Jim is outside when his mother calls. He tells her that she’s not dying and heads inside a big building. Inside he meets his friend Steve, who’s been waiting for him. He gives Steve the news about his mother and claims that she does it every year. While they talk about how she wants him to be more “legitimate or something,” they stand in line for the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service. What starts as a defiant rant about what she thinks of him becomes more sincere as he considers “going legit." Jim decides that he’d like to have kids. Steve looks unsure and it asks if he’d be a good father, and he believes he would, but the issue would be whether or not he’d be a good husband...Read the full recap
The main storyline here was based off of a true story that Jim tells in his 2010 Showtime Special "Alcoholocaust"
The conversation between Jim and Steve is taken from Jim's stand-up special "Fully Functional".
(Jim talks to Steve after hearing from his mother)
Jim: Well, change is good, you know? I can't keep going on like this. I think, I think I'd like to have kids.
Steve: You think you'd be a good father?
Jim: I'd be a great father.
Steve: What about a husband?
Jim: (Considers it for a second) Yeah... There's a problem.
(Jim sits alone with Billy, for a tough private conversation)
Billy: What I'm trying to say is, I'm thirty two years old and I've never been laid.
Jim: (Not quite sure what's going on yet) What?
Billy: How could I man?
Jim: ... Yeah...I never thought of that.
Billy: (seems like he might cry) And... You're the only guy I know who would take me to a hooker. So, I know this is a lot to ask, but I was wondering...
Jim: (Starting to smile) Shh. (Moves his hand from his face) Yes.
Billy: Yes? Really?
Jim: Yes! I was put on earth to make this happen. (Standing up) Hookers and blow my friend! Well, hookers (gestures to Billy), and blow (gestures to himself), well, no blow for you... well maybe, hows your heart?
(Jim tells Steven about his plans for Billy)
Jim: He's your brother! You should want to do this for him. I'm doing it whether you like it or not.
Steven: It'll kill him.
Jim: He's going to die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to go. Okay, sure, I have to answer a few questions, but...
Jim: Why not?
Steven: Well, for starters, my mom, she already hates you.
Jim: That's why I'm the perfect guy to kill your brother.
(After Jim accidentally gets smacked with Billy's "Member" and they find out that Steve took the time to wash Billy's "Member")
Jim: Look at this guy! (Punches Steven's arm) What a good brother!
Wendy: You've got a really good brother Billy.
Jim: You've got a great brother. Bit gay, but good.
Billy: Didn't you just have a dick in your mouth?
Steven: Yes he did Billy. Yes he did...
According to Jim's stand-up routine, the light that Wendy tries to use on Billy is supposed to help see certain STD's that you wouldn't be able to see with the naked eye. Australia has legal prostitution but they also have requirements like that to keep it safer. In the real story there was no way to get the light into position because of the chair, so the issue was a little more pertinent than Billy's dignity.