Matthew Braze: Well, it isn't very often that the Wheelwright's honor my den of iniquity, huh?
Big Joe Wheelwright: We got business, let's skip the jokes. Don't like that fella. Can't trust a man with a sense of humor.
Small Paul: Have a drink.
Bart: No thanks.
Small Paul: But I bought it for you.
Bart: That whole bottle? Why?
Small Paul: Pa told me to.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Well, go ahead, Mr. Maverick, help yourself.
Bart: I never drink when I work.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Good for you, Mr. Maverick, I do admire a temperate man.
Big Joe Wheelwright: I thought you said he was a gentleman. What kind of a gentleman doesn't rescue a female in distress?
Sheriff Mattson: Oh, just give him time, is all.
Bar Girl: Somebody help!
Sheriff Mattson: Maverick, what do you aim to do about that bully?
Bar Girl: Stop that!
Bart: Since that bully's about 7 feet square, I aim to mind my own business, which is normally the care and feeding of poker pots.
Sheriff Mattson: As Sheriff of this town, I order you to rescue that female!
Bart: As Sheriff of this town, why don't ya do it yourself?
Sheriff Mattson: Well, we do things a little different around here.
Bart: You can say that again, Sheriff.
(after Moose punches Bart and puts him to bed)
Big Joe Wheelwright: I suppose you've been wondering what's been going on here, Mr. Maverick.
Bart: I have just one question. Are you people out of your minds?
Big Joe Wheelwright: You know, more and more, I've come to the conclusion that you are the man for us.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Big Joe Wheelwright: We've been testing you. Your honesty, temperance, gentility. And you have come through with flying colors.
Bart: Flying colors and a busted chin.
Big Joe Wheelwright: But of course you wanna work for us, we're the Wheelwrights.
Bart: The fact that you own practically all the state doesn't mean a thing to me.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Now, no need to haggle, Mr. Maverick. Where the happiness of my boys is concerned, expense don't mean a thing.
Bart: Eh. I've got all the money I need. I've been on a winning streak ever since I left Tombstone, and I'm superstitious enough to believe that moving around had something to do with it, so I been planning to leave your town on this afternoon's stage.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Now, don't be silly, boy. You can't let a foolish superstition stand in the way of the welfare of Henry, Small Paul and Moose.
Bart: Uh, Mr. Wheelwright, the welfare of Henry and Small Paul and particularly Moose couldn't mean less to me. So you better find yourself another boy for this job.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Now Mr. Maverick, where in this town are we going to find an honest, temperate gentleman who wears a clean shirt every day. Uh, be reasonable.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Okay, Mr. Maverick, I must say you are a very peculiar fellow.
Bart: Say, how long has this loitering law been in effect, Sheriff?
Sheriff Mattson: I'd say about 20 minutes. Town Council just passed it.
Bart: Who's on the Council?
Sheriff Mattson: Uh, there are seven members. Mr. Wheelwright, his three sons, foreman of his ranch, his cousins and ..
Bart: That's far enough, Sheriff, I get the general picture.
Sheriff Mattson: Uh, come along then, Maverick, the Justice of the Peace is waiting.
Bart: I'd like to place a bet on just who the Justice of the Peace is.
Sheriff Mattson: You wouldn't have no takers, Maverick.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Now, are you going to do what I ask, or not?
Bart: Do I have a choice?
Big Joe Wheelwright: Joe Wheelwright don't believe in forcing a man against his will. Of course you have a choice. Either you take this job or you serve two years at hard labor. Now take your pick.
Big Joe Wheelwright: You come through for us, we'll return your fine money plus a nice bonus. You double-cross us and Moose there'll pound your skull into a powder.
Bart: Um, let's say we have a deal.
Bart: Well, that return stage doesn't leave until tomorrow, so what I'd better do is ask Ma Potter if she'' put you girls up for the night.
Emma: Oh, that won't be necessary, Mr. Maverick … We've decided to stay after all.
Emma: You can drive us out to the Wheelwright ranch, anytime you're ready.
Emma: You know, you really should do something about that hearing, Mr. Maverick.
Bart: Girls, if you ask me, you're just…
Emma: Which I haven't.
Bart: …building up a big pile of trouble, penitentiary trouble. Now you're just gonna succeed in making the Wheelwrights look foolish in the eyes of the rest of the community, and that is one thing they just can't abide. Uh, they'll find you if it takes the last nickel they own, and believe me, they own plenty of nickels.
Bart: Uh, why now, Joe Wheelwright promised me a very generous bonus if I did a good job with my chaperoning . Now, you're welcome to, uh, lets say a quarter of whatever he gives me.
Emma: A quarter of it apiece.
Bart: Well, now, I was thinking about a quarter for you girls and three quarters …
Emma: An even four-way split.
Bart: Yeah, well, uh … all right, you got a deal. Now, may I have my gun back, please?
Lou Ann: Don't do it, Duchess. The smoothinest, talkinest ones are always the sneakiest.
Cissie: Go ahead, Duchess. Anyone can see that Mr. Maverick is honest.
Lou Ann: You'd trust anything that wore spurs. You put a 10 gallon hat on a baboon, you'd swing through the trees with it.
Cissie: Is that so? I wonder what you're gonna look like with no hair on your head.
Lou Ann: Just about as good as you when I gnaw off both your earlobes.
Bart: Must you wiggle that way when you walk?
Cissie: Nobody never complained before.
Bart: Cissie, I've told you that's a double negative. "Nobody ever complained before," you see?
Cissie: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Honestly, Bart, sometimes you just ain't quite bright.
Lou Ann: Every time I get up, you pop to attention like a Sergeant Major.
Cissie: Well, I'm only doing like Maverick read us from the book yesterday.
Bart: What was that, Cissie?
Cissie: You know, the perfect young lady always rises when the older woman gets to her feet.
Lou Ann: Older woman? You're saying I'm older than you?
Cissie: Facts are facts.
Lou Ann: I'm anyway three months younger.
Cissie: I'll go along with the book, I'm supposed to open the door for her, too.
Lou Ann: You just keep that up, Cissie Anderson, and I might just beat you over the head with one of those doors.
Henry Wheelwright: What do I do now, Pa?
Big Joe Wheelwright: Why don't you take Miss Cissie in the house and show her your stamp collection?
Bart: You know, I can't help wondering why it's so important for the Wheelwright family to stick together?
Big Joe Wheelwright: Can't you? Funny thing, I can't help but wonder why some people don't mind their own business?
Bart: Uh, well, no offense. I, uh… tell me, what do you think of the young ladies?
Big Joe Wheelwright: Oh, they'll do. Fact of the matter is, I'm quite took with 'em, same as my three fine boys.
Bart: Well, in that case, you won't mind returning my fine money.
Bart: Mr. Wheelwright, it is not her fault …
Big Joe Wheelwright: Let her do the talking, your turn'll come later. Go on.
Emma: This is a plan that Braze had worked out.
Bart: Braze? You girls were doing business behind my back with Braze?
Emma: We hated doing it, Bart, being so fond of you, but he gave us no choice.
Bart: Fine. The next place I hit I hope nobody can stand the sight of me.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Maybe there won't be a next place, Maverick.
Bart: Oh, now, those boys don't mean to be disrespectful, sir. It's just some things they want to make up their own minds about. And ya know, they're pretty nice fellas considering the fact that their granddaddy Foursquare did a little tradin' with the Indians …
Big Joe Wheelwright: Ssshh!
Bart: Oh, I'll be quiet, if you'll be reasonable.
Big Joe Wheelwright: Joe Wheelwright is always reasonable, I'll throttle the man that denies it.