TV Ragers... prepare for a glimpse BEYOND THE VEIL!!
Hi. Adam Langton here. You may know me as the guy who whisks you through time with the Television Time Machine or the guy who aims his spotlight on your favorite characters in the You’ve Got Character feature here on TV Rage... but there’s something you don’t know about me:
I am a nigh-omnipotent clairvoyant purveyor of the dark arts.**
Yes... I wear a lot of hats around here. Ever watch ‘Venture Bros?’ I’m pretty much just like Doctor Orpheus. I can seeeee into the fuuuuutuuuure... but only when it comes to television news. Thanks to my trusty crystal ball, pictured above, I can gaze into the future of TV and let you know the wacky and wild happenstances that are yet to come...
So! Without further ado, let us GAZE... INTO THE FUTURE... at television news yet to come!
** TV Rage does not endorse nor condone Adam Langton’s claims of seeing the future and only allowed him to write this fake comedy column so that he would quit bugging us.
~Zooey Deschanel will be given the FOX network as a present, “just because.”~
Citing the fact that “she’s just so nice” and “god her hair smells good,” various FOX executives will vote unanimously to give the network to ‘New Girl’ star Zooey Deschanel as a present come the 2013 holiday season.
When asked why he would want to give an entire broadcasting corporation to a young actress without executive experience, FOX Chairman Peter Rice responded “shut up, she’s looking this way!” Shortly afterwards he added “don’t look, don’t look” and encouraged questioning members of the media to “act natural.”
While completing the gift exchange, Kevin Reilly (President of FOX entertainment) came under fire from his fellow executives for slipping a note in with the legal documents submitted, pictured to the right.
“It was totally unfair of Kevin to give her that note,” an executive who wished to remain nameless reported. “We had all agreed that we were going to back off and let Zooey pick which one of us she likes best. I mean, I wouldn’t interfere! I don’t even tell her who I am when I call her at 3am every night.”
Deschanel will reveal her plans for a bold new direction on FOX in 2014, introducing seven scripted series and four unscripted reality programs, each starring Zooey Deschanel. 2014 will prove to be FOX’s most profitable year in history.
~’How I Met Your Mother’ meta-narrative of the story to Ted’s children to be revealed as endless, Kafkaesque hell~
Fans will be perplexed later this year when the ninth season of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ fails to reveal the eponymous mother character. Over the course of this ninth and final season, the meta-narrative of Ted telling his teenaged children how he met their mother (narrated by Bob Saget) will begin revealing the children weeping openly, unable to endure the story any longer.
“The real meaning of the show will finally be revealed” promises series co-creator Carter Bays. “The children have died and are suffering in hell, listening to an endless story with no point or conclusion.”
As the ninth season progresses, the Ted character on the sitcom will meet and briefly date at least a dozen more women, each less promising as an eventual mother figure than the last. These episodes will feature scenes of Ted’s teenaged children in wailing lamentation that they can never rise from the couch they have been stuck on for nine years. Just like the myth of Sisyphus, where Sisyphus is forced to push a boulder up a hill for all eternity, Ted’s children will repeatedly be teased that the end of their father’s story is nigh, only to have him break up with yet another woman for no good reason.
“We’ve been building to this conclusion since the pilot,” co-creator Craig Thomas assures: “the foreshadowing of Barney’s catchphrase, “Legen--wait for it...--dary!” is really the biggest clue. Ted’s children are forced to wait for it.”
“They will always be waiting for it.”
~2014 will see the First Annual 'Homeland Awards' for Excellent Achievement on 'Homeland'~
After sweeping awards shows in every major category on every pertinent continent for years, 'Homeland' will introduce its very own annual awards show, recognizing great personal achievement on the set of 'Homeland.'
"We had been on the air for two seasons and we'd already claimed five Golden Globes," explains creator Gideon Raff. "The only logical next step would be to recognize our own excellent amongst the only people adequately qualified to reward us for that excellence: ourselves."
Popular categories at the Homeland Awards will include Best Direction of a Homeland, Best Actor's Stare of Smoldering Intensity, and the biggest award of the night, Best Claire Danes.
"C'mon, in our first season TV Guide named us the best show on TV," Raff continued. "If we wanted to keep achieving accolades to clog up our bookshelves, we realized we were going to have to make them ourselves."
Early oddsmakers are favoring "Grief-stricken Claire Danes" for the Best Claire Danes award, edging out other contenders including "Pensive Claire Danes" and "Claire Danes, Frustrated."
~Lena Dunham appears on 'Live with Regis & Kelly' completely nude~
Proving again that she is "so courageous," as the media continually reports, Hollywood It-Girl and writer/director/star of 'Girls' will appear on 'Live with Regis & Kelly' without any clothing.
"May I just say," co-host Kelly Ripa will say, "how inspiring it is to follow your seemingly-compulsive obsession with public nudity?" Articles will be written praising the young starlet for her genius, foresight and talent, for having the courage and tenacity to make a joke about masturbating to Ben Affleck during her acceptance speech for the DGA Awards.
"It really is a man's world!" Regis Philbin shouts during the appearance. "I mean, any man could waltz out here, dong in hand, and we wouldn't bat an eyelash! We are so proud of you for showing that women can be just as tactless, you are so courageous!"
Wait... I'm getting something else from the Crystal Ball... something related... ~TV Rage writer will come under fire for daring to tease Lena Dunham~ Yes that's it!! It's very clear, it must be going to happen very soon!!
..... oh, crap.
~'Doctor Who' Fiftieth Anniversary to mark the end of "phase one," will introduce plans for the next 350 years of 'Doctor Who'~
"After fifty years, eleven Doctors and countless bags of weed," an anonymous 'Doctor Who' writer will say, "we are proud to announce the successful conclusion of the first phase of 'Doctor Who.' Here's to hundreds of more years!!"
The British science fiction series has amassed an undying legion of fans over five incredible decades, achieving its goal of entertaining people, provided they're under the influence of marijuana. Fans credit the series with the many great leaps and bounds made in the fight to legalize cannabis since 1963. "No small feat!" the president of the 'Doctor Who' fanclub will add: "Back when I first watched the show I had to sneak a joint in my basement. Now, thanks to fifty years of 'Doctor Who,' everyone's pretty much used to this stuff!"
The exciting news will come alongside the announcement that they've already picked the actor who will headline as The Doctor throughout the bulk of phase two: one-year-old Braydon Jacobs. "The foresight of our multi-phase structure for the series has allowed us to be very selective with our casting," our anonymous source continues. "Jacobs is the man for this job--well... he will grow into the man for the job. Eventually."
During a massive fan convention and celebration of the "phase two" announcement, several fans will swarm the writers of the massively-popular series, asing them to sign their TARDIS.
"Tard-what?" the head writer will ask, befuddled. "Is that one of our things? Oh man, I am so high right now."
Ladies and gentlemen, piercing the veil of the to-be and yet-to-come is exhausting practice... even I, Lord Adamton, must take breaks on occasion. Stick with TV Rage for more glimpses into... THE UNKNOWWWWWN!!!