About Schmidt: The Wisdom Of 'New Girl's Lovable Jerk


'New Girl's Schmidt (Max Greenfield) is a nice Jewish boy from Long Island, a former fatty, and tends to overcompensate for his lifelong low self-esteem with constant bragging. He is obsessed with rap mogul Kanye West, his own physical appearance, and his roommate Jessica’s (Zooey Deschanel) best friend, a beautiful Indian woman named Cece (Hannah Simone). Often obnoxious and insensitive; his roommates punish him for his bad behavior by having him put cash in a “douche jar.”

Schmidt has his own unique way of looking at the world and loves to give others advice, both solicited and unsolicited. Here are just a few season two quotes from 'New Girl'’s sometimes superficial, wanna-be with a heart of gold.

“Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this prison?”-to Jess (Zooey Deschanel)

“Historically speaking, I’m like catnip to tough talking African-American women.”-to Winston (Lamorne Morris)

“There comes a time in every person’s life, when for no reason whatsoever, they are irresistible to the opposite sex. For me, it was the third night of Hanukah ’96 which I like to refer to as “The Night of the Shoshanna’s.”-to Jess

“Befriending Kanye (West) is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him and then dazzle him to the point that we’re each other’s last call before bed.”-to Winston and Nick (Jake Johnson)

“Friends help friends have meaningless sex, okay?-to Nick

“Well, you know what, you were right they hate me and I know why they hate me too. It’s because I’m old, and they’re the future of humanity; a pan ethnic, pan sexual, hive mind and they want nothing to do with me.”-to Jess

“Robbie (Franklin Nelson), there’s a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.”

“Winston, men can’t get their periods. Where would they put the tampons?”

“Yeah, but know this alright, your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation and cheese courses and emotional honesty and Paxil.”-to his cousin Schmidt (Rob Riggle)

“As an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know the downstairs girl cookie.”-to Jess’s friend Sadie (June Diane Raphael)

“Bath tubs are medieval filth cauldrons.”-to Jess

“Pastel walls give me the chills.”-to Jess

“I want to create an environment within this loft where Winston feels free; where the gates are open. Let’s let Winston turn on his black switch and let his black light shine.”-to Nick and Cece

“I’ve been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It’s like taffy pull on a hot summer’s day.”-to Jess, Nick and Winston

“I’m a squirrel. You’re my nut. Winter’s coming. I’m gonna store you in my cheek, girl.”-to Cece

“Our sex was about more than sex. It was history and memory and thousands of years of colonial suffering all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy.”-to Cece

“Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote—Scott Caan.”-to Jess

“Listen; there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I want to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would’ve gone to Koreatown. Booyah!”-to Winston

“I don’t want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston.”

“This is getting very personal. Maybe none of us should go to the funeral. The early buzz on this thing is that it’s gonna be a real drag.”-to Winston and Jess

“Yes, that is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool.”-to Nick and Winston

“If he even looks at my pomade caddy I will turn every hobo in the city against him. I will poison every pie on every windowsill.”-to Winston

“Cece didn’t give me a plus one. How dare she not give me a plus one. You can’t invite an ex to a wedding and not give them the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize. Schmidty going to get his plus one.”

“I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.”-to Cece

“I know this is awkward because we slept together, and I never returned any of your phone calls, so this might come as a shock to you, but will you be my girlfriend?”-to random chick

Can’t get enough of Schmidt? Check out 'The Douche Journals: The Definitive Account of One Man’s Genius.'

- New Girl

Written by: zappalicious
Apr 10th, 2013, 10:10 am

Images courtesy of FOX

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