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TV Bachelors You Don’t Want to Bring Home to Dad

Every father is protective when it comes to the type of young man his daughter chooses to date. Nobody is ever good enough for daddy’s “little” girl. Eventually the boys start sniffing around, and it’s up to dad to make sure that the most deserving Prince Charming slips that glass slipper on his princess’s dainty foot. Any serious candidate will have to be kind, loving, loyal and a good provider. First impressions aren’t everything, and sometimes a rotten apple can’t be detected until after that first bite. In an attempt to ensure familial harmony, we’ve accumulated a list of some of television’s most eligible but undesirable bachelors. So beware ladies, if your suitor resembles any of these heartbreakers, you might want to reconsider bringing him home to meet dear old dad. It might also be wise to consider what traits constitute deal breakers and possibly start searching for a new suitor altogether.

Ryan HardyRyan Hardy (‘The Following’) - At the peak of his career, this handsome and heroic FBI agent managed to apprehend a charismatic serial killer. Too bad things swiftly went downhill from there. Hardy’s heart is both literally and figuratively unreliable. Both of his parents are dead, and he’s mostly estranged from his sister. This eradicates any in-law troubles. Hardy wrote a bestselling autobiographical novel – leaving out the part where he murdered his father’s killer – but now works in a freelance capacity which means no steady income. He’s not much for socializing or parties, but Ryan is a heavy drinker. His two biggest drawbacks are that he has unfortunate taste in women and was recently gutted like a fish by an old flame.

Norman BatesNorman Bates (‘Bates Motel’) - Norman is a very “nice boy” who is extremely close to his mother. His relationship with his father was a bit more complex; he killed the man by bashing in his head with a blender. Norman is extremely courteous until he loses his temper. He’s very smart, but the possibility that he murdered his favorite teacher could affect his ability to get into a good college. His mother is the proprietress of her own motel. On the downside, her only guests have been potheads, a sex slave on the run from Norma’s boyfriend, and a psychopath who used to do business with the previous owner. Norman is warm and sweet but tends to become obsessive. He’s handy with a meat tenderizer, so he could be a help in the kitchen. He’s a bit of a hoarder: seedy journals containing explicit and violent sexual images, the remains of a dead dog and the belt of a rapist. Norman doesn’t have a rap sheet, but he is guilty of being an accessory to murder, murder, breaking and entering, attempted murder and aiding and abetting a felon, specifically his mother.

Buster BluthBuster Bluth (‘Arrested Development’) – Buster is ex-military and comes from a wealthy (ill-gotten gains) family. He has three siblings, so you can look forward to frequent family gatherings like court cases, legal aid fundraisers and meetings with the family attorney. There probably won’t be many trips to the beach or Sea World since a seal ate Buster’s hand. Buster is a man with refined tastes; he excels at the game “Guess the Fur.” Buster and his mother Lucille’s relationship oscillates between creepy co-dependency and the burning desire to get as far away from one another as possible. Buster prefers the company of mature women, so it’s likely his head won’t be turned by anyone under the age of 50. Just make sure to keep plenty of juice boxes on hand and don’t let him overindulge.

Stefan Salvatore (‘The Vampire Diaries’) – Stefan SalvatoreStefan is easy on the eyes, chivalrous and incredibly loyal. His eating habits are stricter than that of a vegan, but he’s been known to fall off the wagon so to speak. Stefan is a vampire, but he feels really bad about it most of the time. He tends to be melancholy and hold grudges so be careful not to betray him. He’s gone decades at a time without speaking to his brother. Stefan does have a sort of multiple personality disorder. There are times when he murders people indiscriminately by drinking his victim’s blood and then ripping them limb from limb. Making sure that Stefan strictly adheres to some type of 12 step program could be both frustrating and time consuming. He is immortal which means that eventually any and all squabbles would inevitably be squashed. Since he’s on the rebound, he’s good for casual dating. But the girl who captures Stefan’s non-beating heart better be ready to make some extreme sacrifices, the first and foremost being her mortality.

Tom HaverfordTom Haverford (‘Parks and Recreation’) – Tom Haverford is a go getter. He has an entrepreneurial spirit you won’t find in just any normal guy. While toiling away at a mid-level job in local government, Tom dreams big and lives big. He doesn’t settle for anything less than the best, so the girl who lands this tomcat is sure to be a looker. Since Tom is constantly plugged into every social media outlet, his friends are bound to hear about your intimate moments together before, during and after via Twitter. Wallflowers need not apply because Tom is likely to want to show off his woman in flagrante delicto. Tom is trying to make Pawnee, Indiana a hipper place with his latest business venture. He’s combined his love of style with his desire to make mad cash with his store Rent-a-Swag.

JoffreyJoffrey Baratheon (‘Game of Thrones’) – It’s hard to spurn the advances of the King of the Seven Kingdoms. Well, more like five or six but let’s not nitpick. Joffrey’s parents were very close growing up. In fact, they are brother and sister. Joffrey managed to escape having any webbed fingers or toes, but he didn’t inherit either of his parents’ good looks either. He loves to hunt for sport but has developed an affinity for human prey. A woman’s head mounted on a wall could be a conversation starter or a mood killer. If you have a love for the macabre, he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand but don’t expect flowers and love letters. Joffrey lacks not only empathy but sentimentality. He’s prone to tantrums when he hasn’t had a nap. Joffrey’s turn-ons include: watching prostitutes beat each other, seeing his enemies’ heads sitting atop stakes, death and dragons. This young scamp does have a sense of humor. He’ll have a man water boarded, or rather wine boarded for his own amusement. Unfortunately, Joffey is a huge puss, so you’ll have to fend for yourself since he doesn’t adhere to the policy of securing the safety of women and children first in emergency situations.


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