Many of Vine's jokes have been falsely attributed to Tommy Cooper; the West End show about Tommy Cooper actually features some of Vine's jokes.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
So I rang up a local building firm and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high".
I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?
When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion. Tim's brother is Jeremy Vine, the British television journalist and presenter on BBC Radio 2. Tim's first attempt at stand up was on December 8th 1990 at a friends flat. One of his jokes was about thinking that the film Dumbo was a documentary. Holds the Guinness world record for telling the most jokes in an hour. In 1995 he won the Perrier Best Newcomer Award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival