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Police Squad!: The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand)

A wealthy man's daughter is kidnapped and the unknown abductor demands an exorbitant ransom. Police Squad! must track down the kidnapper with only a tuba note to go on.

Episode Info
Episode number: 1x3
Production Number: 005
Airdate: Thursday March 18th, 1982

Special Guest Stars
Robert GouletRobert Goulet
As Himself

Starring Roles
Ed WilliamsEd Williams
As Ted Olson
William DuellWilliam Duell
As Johnny

Guest Stars
Peter LupusPeter Lupus
As Norberg
Tommy LasordaTommy Lasorda
As Himself
Byron WebsterByron Webster
As Thames
Ken MichelmanKen Michelman
As Kingsley
Peter ElblingPeter Elbling
As The Mime
K CallanK Callan
As Charlotte
Main Cast
Leslie NielsenLeslie Nielsen
As Det Frank Drebin
Alan NorthAlan North
As Captain Ed Hocken
Rex HamiltonRex Hamilton
As Abraham Lincoln
Hank SimmsHank Simms
voiced Announcer


Warner Burton is hosting a birthday party for his daughter Terri at his expensive home. The butler Thames brings out the birthday cake and Terri's parents Warner and Charlotte watch as she blows out the birthday candles (and the cake). Everyone applauds and Terri's boyfriend Kingsley Adderson asks to speak to her privately in the Japanese garden. Outside, he asks if she's ready to accept his wedding proposal but she admits she's not ready to give him an answer. They're interrupted when a masked man knocks Kingsley out and abducts Terri...

Read the full recap
Episode Notes
Special Guest Star Robert Goulet is shot by a firing squad.

Act II: Ball III

John Belushi was originally planned to be the Special Guest Star. During the initial script discussions, he joked about them showing him dead of a drug overdose. They eventually went with the idea of showing him with a concrete block chained to his feet as he's dumped into a river. Belushi died 13 days before the episode aired, and the network had Abrahams and Zucker drop the Belushi death scene and replace it with Goulet's shooting death.

Episode Quotes
Frank: Is this 808 Garbonmicer Rd.? (Thames turns over the card) Maple St.?
Thames: Yes sir, it is.
Frank: (hands him his card) I'm from Police Squad. I'd like to see Captain Hocken.
Thames: Of course, Lt. Flebin. (Frank turns over card) Drebin.

Frank: Is there a ransom note?
Ed: Yes, the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
Ed: The kidnappers made the demand, Frank.
Frank: Oh.

Ed: Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Burton. This is Lt. Frank Drebin.
Warner: Mr. Drebin.
Frank: The feeling is mutual.

Frank: Just relax. Everything is going to be all right.
Ed: Mrs. Burton, what did he say?
Charlotte: "Just relax. Everything is going to be all right."
Ed: No, the kidnapper.

(after his daughter is kidnapped)
Warner: Lt. Drebin, what do I do?
Frank: Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile industry.

Warner: I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.
Frank: No, that would be giving in to them. These people are emotionally unstable. Had a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut off the victim's ear and sent it to the family.
(Charlotte sobs)
Ed: So you see, you've got to let us help you.
Frank: Not the whole ear, of course. Just a piece of it.
(Charlotte sobs)
Ed: And when this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear if she's still alive.
(Charlotte sobs)
Frank: She's taking it hard.

Ed: We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.
Frank: We'll be in touch.
Ed: Nordberg, I want you to nose around.
Frank: And keep an eye out for the ear.
Nordberg: Yes sir. Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. If Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.
(Charlotte sobs)

Ted Olsen: So you see, Billy, this experiment will prove the Earth's gravity exerts the same pulling force on any object no matter what size or weight.
Billy: Gee.
Ted Olsen: Let me show you what I've done. The bowling ball weighs 10 pounds. Your next-door neighbor Dr. Murray Shanebaum weighs 175 pounds. Are you ready, Dr. Shanebaum? Now Billy, I'll set this timer to drop the bowling ball and Dr. Shanebaum in one minute. We can watch from a safe distance. Oh, hi, Frank. Why don't you run along now, Billy, and next week we'll discuss ten things you can do with a carrot.

Warner: I've got to know. Where is she? Where is she?!?
Ed: Gesundheit.
Frank: Everything is fine, Mr. Burton. Sit down, sit down. relax. Coffee?
Warner: Yes, I know.

Warner: Lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack.
Frank: That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.

Frank: Warner Burton's fears were real. Time was running out for Terri. Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

Tommy Lasorda: It's my pitching, Johnny. Do you think I need another starter?
Johnny: How should I know? (Tommy slips him a payoff) The rigors of a full season on a four-man rotation are just too demanding. You need a left-handed swing man to fill your long relief spots. Give him an occasional start and he'll round out your staff nicely.
Tommy Lasorda: You're talking about a guy like Gossage, aren't you, Johnny?
Johnny: Oh, come on, Tommy, use your head. Gossage is right-handed. And besides, he can't throw more than two innings. Here's the names of five southpaws with career ERAs of 2.93. And you wouldn't have been in this mess if you hadn't given up Tommy John.

Other Episode Crew

CreatorJim Abrahams (1)  |  David Zucker  |  Jerry Zucker
Executive ProducerJerry Zucker  |  David Zucker  |  Jim Abrahams (1)
ProducerRobert K. Weiss
Associate ProducerDeborah Hwang-Marriott  |  Richard Correll
CastingSally Powers
Unit Production ManagerRon Fury
First Assistant DirectorRusty Meek
Second Assistant DirectorAlice West
MusicIra Newborn
Music EditorDarryl Duran
HairstylistLinda Buffa
Make-upRon Walters
Set DecoratorBruce Gibeson
Script SupervisorJan Kemper
Director of PhotographySherman Kunkel
Story EditorTino Insana  |  Neil Thompson  |  Nancy Steen  |  Robert Wuhl
Stunt CoordinatorRalph Garrett
Art DirectorSeymour Klate
Sound MixerRichard Bryce Goodman
Executive Story EditorDavid Misch
Film EditorMalcolm Campbell
Executive Script ConsultantPat Proft
Women's CostumerKaren Kaufman
Men's CostumerMike Butler
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