Frank: I'm Captain Dreben. Cigarette?
Jill: Yes, it is.
Frank: Well. I'm here to help you. Coffee?
Jill: No thank you.
Frank: Eclair, rum ball, tart?
Jill: No, really, thank you.
Frank: We can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten scum-sucking cesspool.
Officer: Frank, please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.
Frank: A rat-infested worm-ridden festering boil.
Ed: Oh, Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.
Frank: Let's say, a new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.
Frank and Ed: A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.
Frank: And let's say, that merchant attracts a couple of thug who demand payments.
Ed: All right.
Frank and Ed: That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
Rocky: Nice place.
Frank: Thank you.
Rocky: You know, this is a rough neighborhood. Bet you'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.
Frank: What about my little keister?
Rocky: Key store.
Ted Olsen: Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalance of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call "static electricity."
Ted Olsen: It's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer, puts it on and it clings to every supple curve and every soft round... oh, hi, Frank! Why don't you run along now, Billy. Next week don't forget to bring in those magazines you found under your father's bed.
Ted Olsen: (examining a rock) It's a heck of an efficient weapon, Frank. You have to admire the simplicity of design.
Frank: Where'd it come from?
Ted Olsen: That's very interesting. I have a theory about that. As you know, Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molten mass. But for some reason not understood by scientists, the Earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell, what we scientists call "rock."
Frank: The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.
Rocky: Us? We don't know what you're talking about.
Frank: So how do you explain this?
Leo: Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...
Stella: You know, uh, you can tell a lot about a woman by her keys.
Frank: Oh really?
Stella: Oh yes. Take my key for example. It's silver-plated. Indicating that I'm a woman who likes the finer things in life.
Frank: I see.
Stella: And the face of the key is unscratched. That suggests I have a gentle touch.
Frank: I understand. How many of these apartment keys would you like.
Stella: Fifty. You can mail forty-nine of them to the Chicago Bears.
Frank: It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.
Fire Chief: Johnny, there's a fire in the Brubaker Building.
Johnny: I don't know anything about it. (Fire Chief pays him) That's a furniture warehouse. Once the fire hits the polyvinyl, you'll have dense smoke and lethal chlorine gas. Extinguish the main part of the fire with pump trucks and with foam, and bring in a cherrypicker to evacuate the survivors.
Dutch: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.