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i choo-choo-choose you -- posted on February 13, 2011
As a child, I felt validated by Valentine's Day, since whenever it happened to fall on a school day, our teachers used to make the whole class make cards for everybody, so nobody else would feel left out. As it turns out, this was a terrible idea. While it did give an unwarranted boost to my self-esteem, it also made the harsh reality of the real world even more crushing when they stopped making us give cards to everybody. Only the cool kids and the popular girls got them. Bad news if you were the unlucky fool who didn't get a single card. Of course you could always resort to this method, if your desperation for attention outweighed your self-respect:



I was never one of those people, luckily. I quietly went through my Valentine's Days forever alone, nary a card or flower to show for it. Occasionally I would buy myself those chalky candy hearts. I find them to be very pleasant.

Anyway, that comic is pretty much depressing me. Time to get down to business. Oh yeah, just to keep the theme going, some mood music.


Guilty Pleasure - Becca


Silver Screen Romance - Good Charlotte


Outer Space - The Muffs


Stay the Night - James Blunt


Okay. Now we're ready. Now it's a party.






Age: 28

Okay but who is she? Lead singer of "punky girl-rock" band Sick of Sarah, whose newest album 2205 dropped last year.

Our Valentine's Date: It tends to be cold in Minneapolis at this time of year, so I reckon it would be spent inside, by a fire, with... well, let's take another look at this.

Chances of Romance: She's a lesbian, so I doubt that's going anywhere. But hey, who said Valentine's Day needs to be about romance? Maybe we just need more human connection! You know that myth where we only use ten percent of our brains? Well I think we only use ten percent of our hearts.





Age: 31

Okay but who is she? She is the awesome lead singer and bassist of pop-rock group The Dollyrots.

Our Valentine's Date: Likely getting drunk and going to a karaoke bar. Because dammit, her voice is infectious.

Chances of Romance: The age gap might pose an issue, but I think that's something we can work around. Also she's a vegetarian, which, while I respect it, is not something I'd be able to convert to because of my lack of courage to do so (plus I'd miss out on eating lots of delicious things).





Age: 26

Okay but who is she? She was in the movie Tron: Legacy and will be in the upcoming movie Cowboys & Aliens. Also, I guess she's still on House as Dr. Hadley, but to be honest, I haven't been able to watch that this season. I DON'T WANT CUDDY/HOUSE ROMANCE, THERE I SAID IT.

Our Valentine's Date: Since she recently divorced her prince husband, the two of us would be able to take a spin on the light-cycles without a care in the world, other than running into our own energy trails. SERENDIPITOUS TIMING, MR. RUSPOLI.

Chances of Romance: Given that she eloped with ol' Mr. Ruspoli when she was 18, I am going to say high, but to be honest, it's mostly just to make me feel better. Also, she better be willing to put up with my jokes saying "She's not a doctor, but she plays one in the bedroom."





Age: 27

Okay but who is she? You'll recognize her from the NBC series Community. If you don't, then you seriously need to start watching the NBC series Community. And for the more cultured of you, she is Mad Men's Trudy Campbell.

Our Valentine's Date: I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I hope all her wacky, crazy, diverse friends don't get involved in it, cause a huge mess, and then somehow end up resolving it in 30 minutes.

Chances of Romance: Iffy. But they would improve once I got past seeing her as her Community character. Plus I don't think I'd be able to deal with all that perk and pep, if she were really like that.





Age: 21

Okay but who is she? Another singer-songwriter. Her first album was released and well-received in Japan, but she doesn't seem to be so well known around here. *starting to realize I'm a hipster* But yes, that's her up there singing "Guilty Pleasure".

Our Valentine's Date: Well we'd Japan It of course! She'd have to decide on pretty much everything though since I'm so culturally ignorant of the place.

Chances of Romance: I slept through most of my 7th grade geography class but I'm pretty sure Tokyo is called The City of Love, so I'm going to say 125% (I also slept through statistics).





Age: 20

Okay but who is she? She's an English pop-and-soul artist with an album that you should be seeing soon State-side (or so they say)!

Why She's Not #1 Anymore: Well, starring in Fred: The Movie didn't really help her case. Plus since I LEGALLY got her album when it was released in England two years ago, she hasn't really been working on any new projects aside from crappy straight-to-TV Nickelodeon movies.

Our Valentine's Date: We'd catch a West Ham United game (her favorite team; they'd probably lose, though), then party it up in London before heading back to the apartment -- sorry, flat -- that she has there.

Chances of Romance: If English people find American accents as alluring as we do British accents, then I've got it in the bag (so probably little-to-no chance).





Age: 21

Okay but who is she? She was in the movie Easy A, currently has a lead role in the CW show Hellcats, and is in the movie The Roommate which you can catch in theaters now!

Our Valentine's Date: We could spend the day in Vancouver, doing whatever it is that people do in Canada. We would NOT see The Roommate since that would probably be a terrible idea for a Valentine's date.

Chances of Romance: I do believe she is single... though Hellcats films up in Vancouver, so the schedule would be tough. But hey, her 19-year-old sister is dating a 31-year-old guy (not that I'm claiming to know anything on that), so I'd probably be a welcome change from that, given that we're about the same age.





Age: 21

Okay but who is she? Lead guitarist and backup vocals in the punk-rock outfit Civet.

Our Valentine's Date: Hitting the streets of downtown Long Beach and then ending the night on the shores of Huntington Beach. Absolutely.

Chances of Romance: Great, if you ignore the fact that she already has a boyfriend. Otherwise: terrible.





Age: 24

Okay but who is she? Guitar and lead vocals of English punk-rock group TAT.

Our Valentine's Date: Not applicable. We would be too busy scoffing at the ridiculousness of such a holiday, with no shortage on profane language.

Chances of Romance: I am convinced they are high. She's part Lebanese and part Italian, and I'm taking Italian classes. Coincidence? Impossible.





Age: 26

Okay but who is she? Liza -- sorry, Miss Liza Graves is the founder, guitarist, and lead vocals of Civet. Yes, Suzi is her sister. And yes, Graves is just a stage name.

Our Valentine's Date: I'm in a bar on Valentine's Day in Long Beach. I see her sitting alone across the bar. She's looking amazing. A divine Aphrodite sitting amongst a bunch of tattooed hooligans and douchey White Oakley-wearing asshats all vying for her attention. I know this is the one and only chance I will ever have. I take a shot for luck and courage and go for it.

"Hey there," I say, "I couldn't help but notice you were alone. I'd like to do you the honor of buying you a drink."

She smiles, laughs to herself a bit, then says, "That's sweet, but I have a boyfriend."

"Oh," I say. Unfazed, I go on. "That's so cool. I have a goldfish back at home. Sometimes before I go to bed I'll drop in those food flakes that fish like so much. He swims around and gulps them down. It's funny, I don't know what the fuck they put in those things, it's like crack to him."

She gets more confused as I go on with my story. Finally, she interrupts me. "Wait, um.. what?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," I say, straightening up. "I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SHIT THAT DIDN'T MATTER."

Chances of Romance: See above.




So there it is. Seven newcomers to the list, partially because I was tired of writing about the same people over again, mostly because people change, jeez what do you expect from me. Comment >>

Older Blogs


• October 16, 2010: lessons learned
• August 23, 2010: get ready to spend some money, losers
• March 8, 2010: hold the door, please!
• February 14, 2010: crash love
• January 25, 2010: get ready 2 rokk

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*sniff sniff* holophonor February 9, 2011
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