(hisses) Shut the door behind you. I can't stand the light...

That's better.

So. You've found my lair. My hideout. My cave. Well congratulations. Were you expecting a parade? Because you're not getting one.

Anyway... I guess I can start by randomly throwing things about myself at you. (hurls a clay statuette at you)

I'll start with a song including my likes and hobbies:

Harry Potter, rainy days, red velvet, sneaky ways
Amber Pacific, peace and quiet, retaliation
Modern English, Mario Brothers, HDTVs, Sally Struthers
Me First And The Gimme Gimmes, procrastination

Internet, TV themes, thinking about last nights dreams
Late nights, "The Thing and I", and The Catcher in the Rye
Futurama, Twilight Zone, searching for a new ringtone
Introversion, random staredowns, Donnie Darko, Best Buy

Songs by Weird Al Yankovic, pens and markers made by Bic
Classic Disney, Monty Python, all those Celtic songs
Mel Brooks, Calvinball, letting others take the fall
Hitchhiker's Guide, proving others wrong

Even Stevens, Boy Meets World, getting new posters unfurled
Meat loaf, Groban, practicing an evil grin
Ketchup, Whose Line?, punnery, Anaheim
Stabbing backs, bonus tracks, music on the violin

My lifelong ambition is to collect one-hundred rolls of silver-reflective duct tape, along with a toaster oven, and a turkey baster. I would tell you what I plan to do with these items, but the sheer knowledge may, no, it will cause your head to asplode.

I guess it's now obligatory that I entertain you with my dislikes:

Beastie Boys, dirty socks, suffering from writer's block
Country music, hypocrites, losing in a war of wits
Stupid people, ignorance, suffering from shin splints
Pins and needles, Oklahoma, my cat's foul aroma

Sleeping in, guesstimates, talking creatures, travel kits
Bernard Shaw, Knowles, falling into potholes
Doctors, nurses, terrorists, cashiers and hygienists
Pharyngitis, muscles cramps, paper cuts and licking stamps

Flaming, spamming, ban-dodging and flamming
Pictures of poor old Babe, what else do I have to say?

Whiny brats, pigeons, topics on religion
Long shots, too-small lids, creepy little spoiled kids
Flying, frying, using glue, staplers and scissors too
Politicians on the screen, shades of lime or acid green

Kids who watched The O.C., hornets, digger wasps, and bees
Messy hair, desperate prayer, Chinese food and Solitaire
Swimming, going to the beach, not practicing what you preach
Seeing some friends at the store, I just can't write anymore

I hope you enjoyed that. Because I sure didn't. Anyway. Remain seated please. Permanecer sentados, por favor.

(air brakes go off :: psssshhhhh)

Okay, folks, I'm gonna ask you to unbuckle your seatbelts and exit on the left side of the ride. Don't trip. It'll scar you for life. Even moreso than reading this profile has done to you already.