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  Saturday, February 7th 2009 3:00 am  
» What is this emotion you humans call "wuv"?
"Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again!" - Philip J. Fry

For those keeping count, the title is also a Futurama reference. And for those keeping count, you can stop keeping count, ya weirdos.

Anyway, in case you forgot, Valentine's Day is one week from today. As always, I'll be spending the romantic day alone. It's all good, though; I'm used to it. However, it would still be nice to get some lovin', so here's a list of thirty-five guys whom I'd like to celebrate the holiday with. Call me!








Age: 39

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's a frequent commentator on all those VH1 shows, and he made out with some other hot guys on Queer as Folk. He also needs a friggin' haircut as of late.

How we'd spend the day: Reminiscing about the '70s, '80s, and '90s.









Age: 31

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He got smashed in Final Destination 3 (Does he cause your death? Like you caused Erin's?) and played God on Joan of Arcadia. Oh! He also guest starred an episode of Psych. All the best actors do.

How we'd spend the day: Putting on fingernail polish and hiding from Ryan's ridicule.









Age: 30

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? Aw, he was so young in The Mighty Ducks. I actually liked Emilio Estevez more at the time, which is creepy considering I was only seven when that movie came out. He was also Pacey on Dawson's Creek and most recently co-stars on Fringe.

How we'd spend the day: Ice skating, hopefully with a chance to drive the Zamboni.









Age: 35

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was a werewolf in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dr. Evil's son in Austin Powers. He also pops up in a lot of random places, like outside my kitchen window. Mind your business, boy.

How we'd spend the day: Doing voiceovers for Robot Chicken.









Age: 22

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? Where haven't you seen him lately? Besides my bedroom. One day, Mr. LaBeouf...

How we'd spend the day: Digging holes. Literally. I've got some begonias I've been meaning to plant.









Age: 30

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was the pie-loving guy in the Spider-Man movies. That's seriously, like, my favorite scene from a movie ever and the only reason I bought Spider-Man 3. I'm laughing just thinking about it.

How we'd spend the day: Getting high.









Age: 20

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He played the nerdy kid in Arrested Development, the nerdy kid in Superbad, and the nerdy kid in Juno. Mr. Versatility!

How we'd spend the day: Making some delicious treats from bananas and maybe going to Tim Horton's for some coffee and doughnuts.









Age: 30

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? You've only ever seen him on House, and he's a damn fine doctor. All doctors should look like him ... and have Australian accents.

How we'd spend the day: Playing doctor. Sorry, too obvious.









Age: 35

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's half of the band Flight of the Conchords. You might also know him as the Hiphopopotamus.

How we'd spend the day: Touring all of New Zealand. Bret can come, too, if that's what he's into. *lets them double-team me*









Age: 34 (by now)

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? Don't play me like that. If you've seen him somewhere outside of Futurama, please let me know.

How we'd spend the day: Vegging out in front of the television with cans of Slurm.









Age: 37

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? Maybe on a random Comedy Central program. He's a comedian/musician, and he's awesome.

How we'd spend the day: Two words: jam session.









Age: 40

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was named Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine! You may also know him as Wolverine in the X-Men movies.

How we'd spend the day: Performing magic tricks.









Age: 35

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's Batman! And he was the creepy serial killer in American Psycho, the movie that gave us, like, three shots of his ass. Ooh, he was also in The Prestige with Hugh Jackman.

How we'd spend the day: Screaming at directors of photography for ruining our day. Those effin' mothereffers.









Age: 38

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's the not-so-creepy serial killer on Dexter, and he was on Six Feet Under, which I need to finish watching one day, especially since he plays a gay dude.

How we'd spend the day: TOPIARY.









Age: 33

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He plays JD on Scrubs, and he has great hair. All doctors should have hair like that. Hmm, imagine his hair combined with Jesse Spencer's face. *Photoshops*

How we'd spend the day: Playing Wii Sports. I'm so getting my ass kicked.









Age: 32

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? You may know him as Berg from the hilarious Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. He was in a bunch of other stuff, too. Just check IMDb, lazy.

How we'd spend the day: Hanging out at the zoo. Yay, giraffes!









Age: 40

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was Michael Bluth on Arrested Development, and life was such a sweet insanity when he was on The Hogan Family. He's been in a million other things that I've never seen. Sorry, Mr. Bateman.

How we'd spend the day: Sitting on a yacht out in the ocean.









Age: 36

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's the super hot Michael Scofield from Prison Break. And he graduated from Princeton, so he's gotta be smart. Not that it matters since he's SO GOOD LOOKING.

How we'd spend the day: Getting tattoos and doing crossword puzzles.









Age: 29

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was that goat-thing in Narnia. He was also in Penelope, Atonement, Wanted, and possibly some other one-word-titled films.

How we'd spend the day: Knitting scarves and drinking tea.









Age: 35

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was a teenaged doctor on Doogie Howser, M.D. and now plays the womanizer Barney on How I Met Your Mother. He was also in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog with Nathan Fillion (who almost made the list).

How we'd spend the day: It's gotta be karaoke.









Age: 31

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's the brain-eating, power-stealing villain on Heroes. Except apparently, he only touches brains instead of eating them. *rolls eyes* I still say he eats them.

How we'd spend the day: Waxing his eyebrows. It probably would take all day.









Age: 39

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? A long time ago, he was in Clueless. A less long time ago, he was Phoebe's boyfriend on Friends. Not a very long time ago, he was in Knocked Up. He was hot all three times.

How we'd spend the day: I'm thinking twelve hours of board games.









Age: 26

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's the greatest contestant American Idol has ever seen.

How we'd spend the day: Riding the roller coasters at Cedar Point!









Age: 28

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was Donnie Darko in Donnie Darko, the bubble boy in Bubble Boy, and Brokeback Mountain Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain. Unfortunately for his sister, he got all the good looks in the family.

How we'd spend the day: Camping, but we'd have to bring a trailer with a working bathroom. I am not peeing in the woods.









Age: 32

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? You probably haven't seen him anywhere since you haven't been watching Psych, you bum! He plays fake psychic Shawn Spencer. He was also in a great little movie called Rolling Kansas.

How we'd spend the day: Romping outside in the snow and eating pineapples.









Age: 26

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was Max in Across the Universe and got his legs cut off in The Ruins. Confession: I have a weird thing for noses, and he has a fabulous nose.

How we'd spend the day: Valentine's Day caroling! People do that, right?









Age: 29

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? Aw, he's Ned, the sweet pie maker on Pushing Daisies. If you're really awesome, you also remember him from Wonderfalls.

How we'd spend the day: Consuming copious amounts of homemade pie.









Age: 29

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? It's Jim Halpert, the man of many faces, from The Office. Oh, how I wish Jim were a real person.

How we'd spend the day: Doing the traditional dinner and a movie. That's all you need for a good time with John Krasinski.









Age: 27

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was the adorable Jude in Across the Universe and the adorable card-counting genius in 21. Did I mention the adorability? Guh. I had such a hard time choosing one photo for him.

How we'd spend the day: Gambling—blackjack, poker, craps. Anything but the lousy slots.









Age: 37

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was a heroin addict in Trainspotting, a singing writer in Moulin Rouge, and a young Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars. He also likes to show his penis in a lot of his movies, which I completely support.

How we'd spend the day: Having an awesome Star Wars marathon. If you're waiting for a dirty joke about lightsabers, you're out of luck.









Age: 30

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's the incredibly handsome Dean Winchester on Supernatural. He was also just in the horror film My Bloody Valentine.

How we'd spend the day: Driving around in the Metallicar, listening to classic rock music.









Age: 28

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He's Chuck! And he was Kipp Steadman on Less Than Perfect, which was a great show. Who could resist that amazing smile of his? He probably gets away with so much crap thanks to that smile. Lucky bastard. *secretly hates him*

How we'd spend the day: Playing games at the video arcade.









Age: 33

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He plays Charlie Kelly in the sitcom It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He was also Bosco's druggie brother on Third Watch who eventually wound up murdered and dismembered (not necessarily in that order).

How we'd spend the day: Boozin' it up.









Age: 26

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? He was Rory's boyfriend on Gilmore Girls and now plays Sam Winchester on Supernatural. FYI, though I like Dean more than Sam, I prefer Jared to Jensen. But I'll gladly take 'em both.

How we'd spend the day: Baking cookies and giving them to homeless people. Just kidding. We're gonna eat them all ourselves.









Age: 30

Hey! He looks familiar. Where have I seen him? You probably know him from Saturday Night Live and maybe from the movie Hot Rod, which is pretty hilarious. He and the other Lonely Island dudes also have a CD coming out Tuesday that you should buy (or illegally download).

How we'd spend the day: Naked. So very naked.






A few notes:
  • Before you call me racist, Wentworth Miller's father is black. *adds Randy Jackson*

  • I'd like to give a special shoutout to Weird Al; I love you, but, as your name suggests, I think you're pretty weird.

  • Some honorable mentions: Bret Harrison, Dean Winters, Edward Norton, Hayden Christensen, James Marsden, Jason Segal, Jeffrey Donovan, Joel McHale, John Cusack, Johnny Depp, Jon Stewart, Justin Long, Matt Damon, Milo Ventimiglia, Nathan Fillion, Sam Rockwell, Topher Grace, and Wil Wheaton.





"Interesting" facts:
  • 37% have first names starting with the letter J.

  • The youngest guy is 20 years old; the oldest guy is 40 years old; the average age is 32 years old; the most frequently appearing age is 30; 94% are older than me.

  • The shortest guy is 5'4"; the tallest guy is 6'4"; the average height is 5'11"; the most frequently appearing height is 5'10"; 52% are over 6' tall.

  • 37% were born outside the United States.

  • 77% have brown hair; 17% have blond-ish hair; 6% have red hair.

  • 34% are married. I totally would have had a chance with them otherwise.

It took a lot of self-control not to make charts displaying the data. OK, I did actually make some bar graphs, just for personal use. Yeah, I know—it's so surprising that I'm single!

 
Reactions (26)
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 3:02 am 
Ten bucks to the person who reads the entire blog. *can't even pay myself the ten dollars*
 
manson_rules

Posts: 4093
Contrib Points: 147.5
Since: 01/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 9:13 am 
You can't wax the Sy-brows!

You should totally post the graphs
 
Ryan

Posts: 30631
Contrib Points: 6849.4
Since: 01/Dec/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 10:04 am 
Jemaine Clement? Really?

And I've never understood women and Wentworth Miller. For some odd reason I've always felt I was able to look at a guy from my straight perspective and think "yeah, he's a good looking guy, I bet chicks think he's hot" but that guy.. I don't get it. I actually wish I could spend everyday with Charlie.

Oh, and sad. I can't find that picture of Kris Lemche to ridicule him with.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 11:26 am 
You mean this picture?



After reading this list I thought for all of two seconds of doing my own then I decided I lack the dedication.

I don't know why you would choose 35. 14 would've made so much more sense.
 
KingOrin

Posts: 8537
Contrib Points: 895.8
Since: 01/Dec/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 1:07 pm 
Damn...now I wanna make a list of 35 women I want to spend V-Day with!
 
Me

Posts: 21662
Contrib Points: 132353.6
Since: 01/Dec/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 4:15 pm 
Most of these guys need to spend some money on a razor.

*kills Kelly's stubble fetish*
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 4:25 pm 
Aw, what do you have against Jemaine, Ryan?

LMAO, Chris, I didn't even notice that, but you're right. *calculates the percentage of guys with stubble* I actually hate facial hair, so I will gladly buy them all a razor.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 5:02 pm 
Fun fact: 11 different states are represented (California, Louisiana, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas - New Hampshire is the only "New" state not represented).

Northern Ireland is the only country in the United Kingdom not represented.

Despite what I said earlier, I am comprising a list. Much like your bar graphs, it's probably going to be for personal use. Aaaaaand that just made me sound creepy.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 5:46 pm 
GOOD FACT FINDING, NATE. You should make a list of 35 people, too, and then we can, like, pretend that your number 15 person is dating my number 15 person. The results will be hilarious. *stops talking*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 5:51 pm 
LOL. I'll have to pull 10 more people out of the air then. *does* Now I can't look at your list anymore, for fear that I will corrupt the results.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 8:40 pm 
LMAO. *hopes that you put Brooke White at number 13*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 8:46 pm 
You should know me better than to put her that low.

I really wish I had known that this picture was 4680x5844 px before I loaded it. Anyway, I'm a bit over halfway done. 16 more to write about.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 8:58 pm 
Now I feel bad about putting David Cook at number 13. Oh, well. The competition was insane. How could he possibly beat out A-list celebs like Charlie Day and Andy Samberg? HE COULDN"T.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 9:18 pm 
Yeah, competition was heating up on this end, too. I was thinking writing about them would be the easier part, but it isn't. IT ISN'T.
 
cindy

Posts: 19972
Contrib Points: 5428.7
Since: 12/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 10:11 pm 
I'm glad you left Nathan Fillion off your list, 'cause now he's ALL MINE. You saw him mostly naked in Firefly, right? *rawr* And I'll arm wrestle you for Paul Rudd.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 7th 2009 10:16 pm 
I think you're gonna have to fight Ashley for Nathan Fillion, Cindy! *steals Paul Rudd while you're distracted*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 8th 2009 2:51 am 
Hey, we paired Hugh Jackman and Helena Bonham Carter together. At least it won't be like some 22 year old guy dating her.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 8th 2009 3:11 am 
Yay, one couple "successfully" paired!
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 8th 2009 3:28 am 
LMAO, that's fantastic. At least it wasn't 5:20 there, like it is here. This is how I spend my weekend off.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 8th 2009 3:31 am 
LMAO. So many things I could be doing. Soooo many things. Oh well. Guess I'm doomed to be a bum forever.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 8th 2009 11:31 pm 
My list represents one more state than yours does.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 8th 2009 11:59 pm 
I wish we had all the same states and countries represented equally. That would have been awesome.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Monday, February 9th 2009 12:08 am 
LOL yeah. FUN FACT: Neither of us had anybody from Latin or South America, Asia, or Africa (or Antarctica).
 
AshleyNoir

Posts: 6547
Contrib Points: 0
Since: 01/Dec/05
Posted on Monday, February 9th 2009 11:18 am 
I LOVE your list, Kelly! Just a warning - if you go out with Z.Braff, I will hunt you down.
 
nishikaze

Posts: 6780
Contrib Points: 1155.7
Since: 29/Jan/06
Posted on Monday, February 9th 2009 11:02 pm 
This list is great!

WHY HAVEN'T THE REST OF YOU WATCH DR. HORRIBLE'S SING-A-LONG BLOG???!!!

Neil Patrick Harris (<-- Gay, no really) AND Nathan Fillian!

Oh Hugh Totally the man for me. Got to love a gorgeous guy with a sense of humor.
 
tikidawg

Posts: 14937
Contrib Points: 68448
Since: 26/Nov/05
Posted on Tuesday, February 10th 2009 7:31 am 
Awesome list. Jared Padalecki is totally mine.
 
holophonor

holophonor


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