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Sunday, February 15th 2009 11:04 pm

» Saturday the 14th!

As you may or may not know, KingOrin and I decided to go see the new Friday the 13th movie for Valentine's Day. Through careful analysis, we determined that the geographic midpoint between us is a lovely town in Ohio called Marietta. What follows is an exciting timeline of the significant events that took place.

Friday, February 13

7:05 PM - Look up driving directions on MapQuest to Regal Lafayette Square Cinema 7 in Marietta, OH.

7:07 PM - Try to find a route that does not use the highway.

7:15 PM - Since the highway seems inevitable, consider alternate means of transportation. The train, perhaps? Greyhound?

8:00 PM - After careful consideration, decide to suck it up and drive.

8:01 PM - Google highway driving tips.

1:00 AM - Go to bed praying to God that I do not get lost tomorrow.

Saturday, February 14

11:00 AM - Wake up and get ready. I don't wanna appear too dressed up, so it's just jeans and a plain shirt.

12:30 PM - Departure time.

1:00 PM - Realize I forgot my iPod. Must turn around and go back home.

1:30 PM - OK, take two.

2:15 PM - See a single shoe lying in the middle of the road. Feel a little sad for the owner.

3:15 PM - Have a small freak-out when I think it's Friday and have accidentally left a day early. False alarm, no worries.

3:30 PM - Notice a vanity license plate that reads "Bloop" and start to laugh. Vow to follow that car for as long as possible.

4:10 PM - Bloop takes an exit. Good-bye, friend.

5:00 PM - Notice I've been listening to the same six songs for two hours. And one of them is the Golden Girls theme.

5:40 PM - Bust out my laptop and post a little bit on TVRage.

6:00 PM - Finally figure out how to properly use my cruise control.

6:01 PM - Realize that cruise control does not steer the wheel for me. I feel kind of bummed about that.

6:20 PM - Start to worry that I've gone totally the wrong way and will soon end up in Iowa.

7:05 PM - Through some miracle, arrive at the theater, just in time for the 7:30 showing of the movie. Thank God I left as early as I did.

7:10 PM - Stand inside the building, waiting for KingOrin. I suddenly realize I have never seen a picture of him, except for one of him dressed like a clown.

7:15 PM - Start looking for clowns.

7:17 PM - See a dude looking around, kind of confused. Assume it's KingOrin. I approach the man and find that it is him! We have a bit of an awkward introduction, but my hilarious jokes put him at ease. He's dressed a little fancier than me. Stupid me. What was I thinking wearing jeans?

7:19 PM - Ignore his requests to call him TJ. KingOrin sounds super badass when you say it out loud. I'm sure he agrees with me.

7:25 PM - Kindly refuse his offer to buy me popcorn. Gosh, he must think I'm some fat hungry monster who's always hungry and fat and a monster. We converse a little about TVRage as we wait for the movie to start. It's less awkward this time, thanks again to my awesome jokes.

7:30 PM - The movie begins. I squeal a little bit, thinking about the upcoming Jared Padalecki.

8:00 PM - See KingOrin yawn out of the corner of my eye. Oh, God. He's bored. He hates the movie. He's having a terrible time. I should just leave.

8:10 PM - Smell something a little ... off. Assume the odor originated from KingOrin.

8:12 PM - Feel kind of guilty about blaming KingOrin.

8:20 PM - Realize I missed part of the movie thinking about that weird smell.

9:05 PM - The movie ends. KingOrin claps along with some other people. I always find it odd when people clap at the end of movies.

9:06 PM - KingOrin invites me to dinner. I suggest McDonald's, since there's one right next to the theater. He happily agrees that it sounds good. I make some great decisions.

9:10 PM - Arrive at McDonald's. KingOrin offers to pay for me, which is really nice. Is it polite to say no, though? Meh, whatever. It's just McDonald's. What's a few dollars? I give him my order of two plain cheeseburgers and an Oreo McFlurry and go find a seat.

9:15 PM - KingOrin joins me at the table. I thank him for the food and dive right in. UGH! Pickles and crap on my burgers. I guess he forgot to mention "plain." Either way, I don't want to sound like an ungrateful w***e, so I choke it all down, grimacing as I do so.

9:30 PM - We're about finished eating. We sit for a little bit and talk. He seems to be fairly quiet, so I just ramble on and on about everything I can think of: my family, my friends, my job, my favorite color, my favorite movies, how fun Disney World is, what cars I think are ugly, fun websites to visit, the best flavor of Pop-Tarts, the benefits of drinking tap water instead of bottled water, the benefits of drinking bottled water instead of tap water, how much I hate licking envelopes, etc.

10:35 PM - KingOrin asks me if I'm driving back tonight. No, I'm gonna get a motel room so I can watch Saturday Night Live. He mentions that he was also thinking about getting a motel room. I invite him to just share one with me. It seems like a logical thing to do. I'm not worried about the implications. KingOrin knows we're just friends.

11:00 PM - We arrive at the least creepy motel we can find and get a room.

11:05 PM - After getting settled, we sit on the bed and turn on the TV. Blah, the only thing on right now is news. Boring! I'm sure KingOrin is bored, too, so I turn it off. He starts to say something (he probably wants to thank me) but stops. I ask him a bunch of questions about himself to pass the time. He seems to appreciate my interest.

11:30 PM - Time for SNL! KingOrin's going on and on about something, but I turn the TV back on. I think he was about finished anyway.

12:00 AM - How is KingOrin not laughing at this sketch? It's got Andy effing Samberg in it. It's inherently funny based on that alone. Everyone loves Andy.

12:30 AM - Yet he finds this sketch hilarious? I refuse to let his laughter infect me.

12:40 AM - Sing along to the second Jonas Brothers performance. I only know the words because I volunteered at a children's hospital a month ago, and one of the little girls was in love with this band. She taught me a few of their songs; her face would light up when we sang them together. It really helped her through her chemotherapy.

1:00 AM - SNL is over, so it's obviously time for bed. Yes, we sleep in the same bed, but nothing happens. I swear. I'm a good girl.

1:30 AM - Have trouble sleeping, so sneak out of bed to get on TVRage.

3:00 AM - Feel tired enough for bed.

Sunday, February 15

1:00 PM - Wake up ... alone. Where has KingOrin gone?

1:10 PM - Discover a note from KingOrin. It reads, "Dear Kelly, sorry that I left before properly saying bye. I left around 10 and didn't wanna wake you up. I know you like to sleep in. This weekend was fun. Thanks for hanging out with me. I'll talk to you later on Rage. Have a safe trip home." Pssh, not even a single exclamation point. Well, at least he left a note.

1:40 PM - Back on the road.

3:00 PM - Keep eyes peeled for Bloop. You never know.

7:15 PM - Arrive home, Bloopless.

7:35 PM - Send a private message to KingOrin. It's short and sweet. The final sentence reads that I had fun, too. That's not entirely true, though. Maybe he had fun. But I had fun with an exclamation point.

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