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  Sunday, February 14th 2010 1:18 am  
» Happy Valentimes!
Ah, love. You love your family. You love your friends. You love your pizza bagels. But these things are not the objects of your sexual desire ... hopefully. And isn't that lust what Valentine's Day is all about? No, I'm genuinely asking. I have no idea. Eh, let's just pretend like it is, for the sake of this blog.

Here's a list of dudes I want more than I want pizza bagels.








Age: 36

Um, who? Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory

The odds of a hookup: It's a strong possibility that he's gay, so that diminishes hope. But! There's still the small chance that he's straight. Did you hear that, hope? Rise! RIIIIIIIISE!








Age: 28

Um, who? Tommy Solomon on 3rd Rock from the Sun

The odds of a hookup: I think he has a girlfriend. However, all I really need to do is write an Indie film. He won't be able to resist starring in another movie no one will ever see! (Just like I can't resist writing blogs that no one will ever read! Ouch.)








Age: 31

Um, who? Saul in Pineapple Express; Harry Osborn in the Spider-Man movies; Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks; falls asleep in class

The odds of a hookup: Boo, he has a girlfriend. Whatever, James Franco. I've got more peeps on my list. Me and my psych degree don't need you and your fancy English degree! Oh, sorry—I mean, "My psych degree and I ... b***h."








Age: 30

Um, who? Ned, the pie-maker, on Pushing Daisies; Jaye's brother on Wonderfalls

The odds of a hookup: I haven't heard much from him since the cancelation of Pushing Daisies, so maybe he's bored and is looking for a nice Midwest girl, 24/F/IN, Libra, interests include feeding her cat, cutting her fingernails, and making stupid blogs.








Age: 36

Um, who? Jemaine on Flight of the Conchords; actual member of the actual band/comedy duo Flight of the Conchords; AKA the Hiphopopotamus

The odds of a hookup: Married, has a kid, not from the United States. Wah-wah. (That was that muted trumpet sound effect, not me crying. I'm not crying. It's just been raining ... on my face.) I should also mention that he named his kid Sophocles Iraia, which doesn't sound like something that would come from the mind of a sane man. I think it's best if we just remain friends, dude. Stop calling me.








Age: 35

Um, who? Fry on Futurama; delivery boy; cryogenically frozen; dead dog; enjoys the holophonor *wink*

The odds of a hookup: Come on, people. I know I don't have a chance with a cartoon character. What would make you think I was that crazy? *tries to crawl into my television*








Age: 31

Um, who? Dean Winchester on Supernatural; chooser of bad movie roles

The odds of a hookup: It would be really great if I'd stop putting people on my list who are in a committed relationship. Pfft, Dean > Jensen, anyway. And he's single. Oh, right, fictional character. Foiled again by reality!








Age: 36

Um, who? Dr. Horrible in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog; Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother; Doogie Howser on Doogie Howser, M.D.; Broadway performer; comedian; magician; probably a great chef, too

The odds of a hookup: How did that song go? "To score a 10 would be just fine, but I'd rather bag a 5.9"? No, that wasn't it. Besides, let's be honest—I'm closer to a 4.9. Regardless, the odds are not good, considering he's gay and in a relationship.








Age: 28

Um, who? Jude from Across the Universe; the very definition of adorable

The odds of a hookup: Another taken man. Maybe my problem isn't that I go after celebrities—it's that I go after celebrities who aren't single. Yes, that's it! I can still get a celeb. I just need to stalk research them more carefully beforehand. Yeeeees... *polishes binoculars*








Age: 29

Um, who? Chuck Bartowski on Chuck; perfect teeth

The odds of a hookup: According to Wikipedia, he just got out of a relationship. I can be your rebound, baby. I can kiss away the pain. (That was a little Enrique Iglesias reference. Man, remember the '00s? Good times ... hangin' out in the commons before school started, eating Doritos for lunch, getting a flat tire on the way to school 'cause I sucked at avoiding potholes so my tires were all jacked up. I miss you, Dodge Neon!)








Age: 38

Um, who? Christian in Moulin Rouge; Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars films; Curt Wild in Velvet Goldmine; Renton in Trainspotting; lots of other people in lots of other movies

The odds of a hookup: Married, kids, old. Boom.








Age: 27

Um, who? Sam Winchester on Supernatural; giant

The odds of a hookup: Ugh, he just got engaged to Ruby #2, and she's called #2 for a couple of reasons. Anyway, he has too many muscles, and I don't think guys respond well to, "Hey, how 'bout you try being a bit more scrawny?" And then I'd go and get his gym membership revoked. Along with his license to kill. STOP GOING TO THE GYM AND KILLING PEOPLE.








Age: 36

Um, who? Vince Noir on The Mighty Boosh; The Hitcher on The Mighty Boosh; Tony Harrison on The Mighty Boosh; The Moon on The Mighty Boosh; Old Gregg on The Mighty Boosh; member of the comedy group known as—wait for it—The Mighty Boosh

The odds of a hookup: I'd totally have a chance with him if he lived in the United States. (Yeah, 'cause that's why I won't get Noel Fielding—geography.) (Friends reference! Hey, remember the '90s? I sure don't; I spent most of the decade high as a kite. Just kidding, I was too busy watching Hey Arnold! and collecting Beanie Babies and being f***ing mayor of Exchange City. Did anyone else's school do that program? Those were the days, writing fake checks to Exchange City shopkeepers for their worthless trinkets. Now I'm writing real checks to effin' Sallie Mae and CarMax. The man's keeping me down!) Moving on...








Age: 30

Um, who? Jim Halpert on The Office

The odds of a hookup: Engaaaaaaaged. And not the good kind of engaged, like when you're on a rocket ship and a crew member shouts, "Turbo boosters engaged!" and then whoosh, off to space. With John Krasinski.








Age: 31

Um, who? Cast member on SNL; Rod Kimble in Hot Rod; comedian/musician with The Lonely Island

The odds of a hookup: Well, he's been in a relationship for a while with a chick I can't seem to hate because she's so pretty and talented and weird but in a good way. *steals her away from Andy*







My dear TVRagers, will you be my valentine*?


*By accepting to be my valentine, you acknowledge that if any of the above men wish to pursue any type of relationship with me (be it friendly, romantic, or sexual) you will be thrown to the curb in an instant and erased from my mind.

 
Reactions (30)
calicow

Posts: 8491
Contrib Points: 16092.9
Since: 06/Dec/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 11:55 am 
Hiya Kelly, Happy Valentines Day and cool blog...You can't have Zachary Levi because I want to be his rebound! Chuck is more awesome that Captain Awesome!
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 2:30 pm 
LOL, if Zachary Levi contacts me, I will refer him to you, Gina. That's what kind of person I am.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 2:40 pm 
*sigh* Am I going to have to create my own list in spite response now?
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 2:58 pm 
YEEEEEEEES!
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 3:00 pm 
IT WILL BE DONE. Eventually.
 
calicow

Posts: 8491
Contrib Points: 16092.9
Since: 06/Dec/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 3:05 pm 
Aww, you're such a nice person Kelly, if things don't work out, I'll make sure to put in a lot of good words for ya.
 
cindy

Posts: 19972
Contrib Points: 5428.7
Since: 12/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 5:12 pm 
Once again, I'm not on your list.

*tosses box of chocolates at Kelly*

 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 8:42 pm 
Sorry, Cindy. I'm saving you for my Easter blog -- top ten people I'd resurrect from the dead.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:06 pm 
I can only assume your St. Patrick's Day blog will be "people I would try to save if they were dying from alcohol poisoning".
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:12 pm 
What a splendid idea. Blog Monkey, write that down in our Notebook of Blog Ideas so I may use it in the future! No, no, put it after the Top Ten Organs I Could Live Without idea! Foolish monkey!
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:18 pm 
I wish I had a Blog Monkey. All I have is a parrot. It doesn't even have any original ideas.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:30 pm 
15. Jim Parsons [unranked!]
14. Joseph Gordon-Levitt [unranked!]
13. James Franco [+17]
12. Lee Pace [-2]
11. Jemaine Clement [+16]
10. Philip J. Fry [+16]
9. Jensen Ackles [-4]
8. Neil Patrick Harris [+8]
7. Jim Sturgess [no change]
6. Zachary Levi [-2]
5. Ewan McGregor [+1]
4. Jared Padalecki [-2]
3. Noel Fielding [unranked!]
2. Jon Krasinski [+6]
1. Andy Samberg [no change]
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:39 pm 
LMAO, I was seriously considering doing that myself. Thanks for saving me the trouble! Look at you, Jemaine and Fry! I love that Fry still beat out Jemaine, though.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:48 pm 
Yeah, that was the most amusing part for me too. I love that Jim didn't change at all, too.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:54 pm 
LMAO, I went to your blog from last year to see who was number one, and it has 105 reactions. What the hell were we doing in there?
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 9:57 pm 
We got fully out of control. Then again, we discussed What The Deaf Man Heard.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:18 pm 
Um, burst. I want him to be on my valentine list.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:27 pm 
You'd know the secrets of the town.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:33 pm 
Quick, Blog Monkey! Pretend to be deaf so I can learn the secrets of the town! What do you mean your name is Blog Monkey and not Eavesdropping Monkey? You'll do as I say, you filthy primate! *slaps*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:42 pm 
*alerts PETA*
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:48 pm 
Thinking about having a monkey as a pet just reminded of that lady who got attacked by her friend's pet chimp. *shudders* That was awful. I think I'll just get a parrot, too.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:50 pm 
Yeah, those things will rip your face off. Parrots are good for self-esteem boosts as everything you say is so brilliant they have to repeat it to themselves to reflect on it.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 10:58 pm 
I'm gonna teach my parrot to say, "I'm deaf! Speak freely of your secrets!" *squawk*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 11:01 pm 
That's probably one of the most brilliant uses for a parrot there could be.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 11:10 pm 
Blog Parrot! Write down this idea: Top Ten Most Brilliant Uses for a Parrot. What do you mean you can't write? You can ride a tiny bicycle, but you can't hold a pencil? *almost slaps him, but not quite* (No need to call PETA.)
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 11:16 pm 
Aw, I was ready to make the phone call and everything. Or should I say phone caw? No..... no.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 11:23 pm 
LMAO, nice. I'm a sucker for a good pun. Or should I say rowboat? Erm, I guess I haven't quite got it down, yet.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 14th 2010 11:51 pm 
Reading about pizza bagels in the introduction has made me hungry. But there's nothing to eat. This confuses and infuriates me.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Monday, February 15th 2010 12:06 am 
I can't get the Bagel Bites commercial out of my head. "Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime. When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!"

Also, I'm really sick of staring at Jim Parsons with a spoon on his nose every time I reload the page.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Monday, February 15th 2010 2:09 am 
LOL yeah, that's kind of a bizarre picture.

I don't think I've ever heard that commercial. However. I do remember those Totinos Pizza Rolls commercials where the kids yell.
 
holophonor

holophonor


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