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  Wednesday, February 9th 2011 1:07 am  
» *sniff sniff*
Guys, do you smell that? It's effin' love, and it's in the air. It smells a lot like oatmeal raisin cookies. Also, I've been baking oatmeal raisin cookies. But back to the love. This surge in love can only mean one thing: Valentine's Day is upon us.

However, if you're like me, and you spend your days updating your various spreadsheets and organizing your receipts, you probably find yourself alone on Valentine's Day this year. Don't be sad. It's not your fault—well, unless you're twenty-five and have never spent the holiday with a lover, in which case you should probably sit down and evaluate your life and the choices you've made thus far. *cries forever* *creates spreadsheet about life choices*

So, like, this blog is about to turn into my personal diary of self-loathing. Let's nip this thing in the bud. Here are some dudes I'm gonna hook up with in the near future. And by "hook up" I mean "spend the day having a Harry Potter movie marathon followed by a game of putt-putt." God, I haven't played putt-putt since I was ten and got stung by a bee on the course. Thanks for ruining my life, bee. The only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that you're dead.






ten


james franco



AGE: 32

WHO'S JAMES FRANCO? Actor, scholar, weirdo

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
A tree's made of wood
My cherry pie
Is so f***ing good





nine


jemaine clement



AGE: 37

WHO'S JEMAINE CLEMENT? Comedian, musician, prostitute, Hiphopapotamus

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bring along Bret
That's what I'm into





eight


philip j. fry



AGE: 36

WHO'S PHILIP J. FRY? Time traveler, delivery boy, grandfather (to himself)

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Prepare your pelvis
For nonstop snu-snu





seven


joseph gordon-levitt



AGE: 29

WHO'S JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT? Actor, point man, GQMF

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Sometimes they're teal
I'm your new totem
So get a good feel





six


jesse eisenberg



AGE: 27

WHO'S JESSE EISENBERG? Actor, zombie-fighter, Oscar nominee

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Relationship status:
Ready to screw





five


jim sturgess



AGE: 29

WHO'S JIM STURGESS? Actor, musician, strawberry lover

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are nice
You're a blackjack hand
I'd hit once or twice





four


andy samberg



AGE: 32

WHO'S ANDY SAMBERG? Comedian, actor, mother lover

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
That ... better not be your dick in a box. It's Valentine's Day, idiot. I'm gonna give you a chance to go to the store and get something, an actual gift, to put inside this box. Let's never speak of this again.

(That one didn't rhyme.)





three


noel fielding



AGE: 37

WHO'S NOEL FIELDING? Comedian, actor, artist, fashion icon

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You look like a lady
But I'd go gay for you





two


bo burnham



AGE: 20

WHO'S BO BURNHAM? Comedian, musician, born Bostonian, Aryan librarian at the word-Smithsonian

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm not sure if you're legal
But I'd statutory rape you





one


andrew garfield



AGE: 27

WHO'S ANDREW GARFIELD? Actor, charming gentleman, wonderful human being, dancer extraordinaire, your new (and improved) Spider-Man

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are pretty
Is this web on my face
Or are you happy to see me?






Yeah, I like skinny white guys. So sue me.

 
Reactions (28)
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 1:08 am 
Special shout out to Neil Patrick Harris who made the list but then didn't. Love you, Neil!
 
andrew

Posts: 18190
Contrib Points: 6808.5
Since: 09/Dec/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 7:45 am 
A++ will do business again.
 
guytwo

Posts: 6716
Contrib Points: 0
Since: 04/Dec/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 8:58 am 
LOL Great blog and so perfect for the coming valentines holiday.

However....you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies??!!!
 
calicow

Posts: 8468
Contrib Points: 15898.9
Since: 06/Dec/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 9:18 am 
Yay! Cool blog Kelly! One quick question: can I have James Franco when you're done with him...please?
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 9:17 pm 
THANKS THANKS THANKS!

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the bomb, yo!

Gina, consider him my gift to you!
 
WiseCrack

Posts: 8140
Contrib Points: 1839.8
Since: 25/Nov/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 10:11 pm 
i'm a skinny white guy hhmmmmmmmmm
 
andrew

Posts: 18190
Contrib Points: 6808.5
Since: 09/Dec/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 10:14 pm 
I'd like to point out that Fry is peach, not white.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Wednesday, February 9th 2011 11:27 pm 
Quote:
i'm a skinny white guy hhmmmmmmmmm

*bow chicka wow wow*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Thursday, February 10th 2011 1:53 am 
I got a coupon in the mail for a heart-shaped pizza. I can't tell which is more sad, the fact that buying one's significant other a heart-shaped pizza is supposed to be romantic, or the fact that I'm seriously considering getting it.

Fun fact, February is the only month you've blogged during in the past three years.

The only new ones I notice are Jesse Eisenberg, Bo Burnham, and Andrew Garfield. INTERESTING HOW THESE TWO GENTLEMEN GET INTO THE TOP TWO IN UNDER A YEAR.

Also, just noticed I analyzed the same thing in last year's blog.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Friday, February 11th 2011 12:40 am 
FEBRUARY IS A FINE MONTH FOR A BLOG.

LMAO, I felt a little guilty rating them so high. Then I felt really stupid for feeling guilty. I also imagined Jemaine being upset. Like, the poor guy can't catch a break.

Another fun fact: James Franco, Jemaine, Fry, Jim Sturgess, and Andy Samberg have appeared in all three blogs.

PS I'm totally gonna buy a heart-shaped pizza. Thanks for making its existence known.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Friday, February 11th 2011 1:33 am 
I can't believe we had 35 on the list two years ago. It was so hard to come up with 35 choices.

Also, it was from Papa John's, that should definitely be mentioned.

SIGH. Guess I'll get to work on mine.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Friday, February 11th 2011 10:00 pm 
I love that the list keeps getting smaller and smaller. Next year, we'll probably just name our number one. *makes it Jemaine*

I just realized it's been, like, six months since I had pizza. That's depressing.

YES NATE BLOG.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Friday, February 11th 2011 10:38 pm 
We're clearly getting lazier, this is the hard evidence for it.

It's been like a month for me. I hate ordering, I'm too socially awkward at it. Of course I have no problem going to Subway all the time and getting sandwiches there. I always have to order something different cause if one of the workers looks at me and asks if I'll have "the usual" I'll never be able to go there again.

I've got the list made. Now I just need to think of what else to write for them. I'm not trying to make up 10 quatrains. Who am I, Shakespeare??
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Friday, February 11th 2011 11:19 pm 
LOL, I only eat pizza when I'm with a friend who will do the ordering for us. I mean, there's online ordering, which is nice, but you still have to deal with the pizza man coming to the door. Like, b***h, just leave the pizza. I'll leave your tip on the stoop.

It's OK, Nate. We can't all be great poets like me and Darlene from Roseanne.

 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Friday, February 11th 2011 11:56 pm 
LOL whenever my roommate and I ordered pizza last semester, whoever didn't pay for it had to order it and go down and get it. It was a tough balance, spending precious money on it, or calling and feeling like an idiot when I would invariably say, "Um, I would like a pizza."

My pictures are giant again.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Saturday, February 12th 2011 12:27 am 
LMAO, I would pay fifty bucks not to order it. I hope we never find ourselves in a situation where we both want to order a pizza. We'll have to pay some homeless man to order it for us. A homeless man would probably have better social skills. Plus we can pay him in bananas.

My pictures this year were giant compared to last year's tiny wallet-sizers.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Saturday, February 12th 2011 1:22 am 
LOL yeah, that's exactly what happened. I hate when homeless people ask me for money. I usually pretend not to hear them. That's how socially inept I am. The worst was when I was out of cash so I had to pay on credit card, cause then I'd have to go down and sign the damn slip anyway. Worst ever.
 
spuffyandtate4ever

Posts: 2220
Contrib Points: 159.4
Since: 23/Jun/06
Posted on Saturday, February 12th 2011 8:16 pm 
Well if you two want pizza, I'll make sure I'm there. I'll order for you socially awkward people.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 13th 2011 5:33 am 
Relevant
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Sunday, February 13th 2011 11:20 pm 
Thanks, Kelso!

LOL at that James Franco picture. Maybe if Mr. Franco had taken science courses instead of fluff liberal arts classes, he'd have felt a little more challenged. *has no idea what classes he took* *has a liberal arts degree* *makes $12.50 an hour* *suicides*
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Sunday, February 13th 2011 11:57 pm 
LOL the prospect of graduating and being stuck at a boring job for the rest of my life terrifies me. That psych degree is gonna look great stuck in the back of the cardboard box I'm gonna be living in.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 12:08 am 
Brain blast: if we add your psych degree to my psych degree, perhaps we'll have one whole degree that's actually worth something.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 12:20 am 
YES, YES, I LIKE IT. Surely our combined skills and knowledge would be enough to combine to the value of one regular person.
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 12:37 am 
We just hired a new pharmacy technician who -- get this -- has a mechanical engineering degree. Like, dude, you are worth more than what we are paying you. I feel like such a douchebag instructing him how to put medicine in a box.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 12:54 am 
Um, wow. Why doesn't he get a job in his own field so the rest of us liberal arts graduates can have somewhere to work?
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 8:46 am 
Apparently, he has been out of work for years, unable to find a job. Like, dude, you're doing it wrong.
 
SultanPeppershaker

Posts: 19450
Contrib Points: 831.5
Since: 24/Jan/06
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 3:46 pm 
What a fool *shouldn't be talking*.

Matchmaker, matchmaker:

James Franco and Abisha Uhl (LOL)
Jemaine Clement and Kelly Ogden
Philip J. Fry and Olivia Wilde (LOL)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Alison Brie
Jesse Eisenberg and Becca Hollcraft
Jim Sturgess and Pixie Lott (This one's probably my favorite)
Andy Samberg and Aly Michalka
Noel Fielding and Suzi Carmichael
Bo Burnham and Tatiana DeMaria
Andrew Garfield and Liza Graves
 
holophonor

Posts: 11108
Contrib Points: 4362.9
Since: 30/Nov/05
Posted on Monday, February 14th 2011 9:45 pm 
LMAO, I love it. Fry and Thirteen would make a lovely couple.
 
holophonor

holophonor


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