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*sniff sniff* -- posted on February 9, 2011
Guys, do you smell that? It's effin' love, and it's in the air. It smells a lot like oatmeal raisin cookies. Also, I've been baking oatmeal raisin cookies. But back to the love. This surge in love can only mean one thing: Valentine's Day is upon us.

However, if you're like me, and you spend your days updating your various spreadsheets and organizing your receipts, you probably find yourself alone on Valentine's Day this year. Don't be sad. It's not your fault—well, unless you're twenty-five and have never spent the holiday with a lover, in which case you should probably sit down and evaluate your life and the choices you've made thus far. *cries forever* *creates spreadsheet about life choices*

So, like, this blog is about to turn into my personal diary of self-loathing. Let's nip this thing in the bud. Here are some dudes I'm gonna hook up with in the near future. And by "hook up" I mean "spend the day having a Harry Potter movie marathon followed by a game of putt-putt." God, I haven't played putt-putt since I was ten and got stung by a bee on the course. Thanks for ruining my life, bee. The only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that you're dead.






ten

james franco


AGE: 32

WHO'S JAMES FRANCO? Actor, scholar, weirdo

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
A tree's made of wood
My cherry pie
Is so fucking good





nine

jemaine clement


AGE: 37

WHO'S JEMAINE CLEMENT? Comedian, musician, prostitute, Hiphopapotamus

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bring along Bret
That's what I'm into





eight

philip j. fry


AGE: 36

WHO'S PHILIP J. FRY? Time traveler, delivery boy, grandfather (to himself)

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Prepare your pelvis
For nonstop snu-snu





seven

joseph gordon-levitt


AGE: 29

WHO'S JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT? Actor, point man, GQMF

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Sometimes they're teal
I'm your new totem
So get a good feel





six

jesse eisenberg


AGE: 27

WHO'S JESSE EISENBERG? Actor, zombie-fighter, Oscar nominee

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Relationship status:
Ready to screw





five

jim sturgess


AGE: 29

WHO'S JIM STURGESS? Actor, musician, strawberry lover

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are nice
You're a blackjack hand
I'd hit once or twice





four

andy samberg


AGE: 32

WHO'S ANDY SAMBERG? Comedian, actor, mother lover

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
That ... better not be your dick in a box. It's Valentine's Day, idiot. I'm gonna give you a chance to go to the store and get something, an actual gift, to put inside this box. Let's never speak of this again.

(That one didn't rhyme.)





three

noel fielding


AGE: 37

WHO'S NOEL FIELDING? Comedian, actor, artist, fashion icon

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You look like a lady
But I'd go gay for you





two

bo burnham


AGE: 20

WHO'S BO BURNHAM? Comedian, musician, born Bostonian, Aryan librarian at the word-Smithsonian

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm not sure if you're legal
But I'd statutory rape you





one

andrew garfield


AGE: 27

WHO'S ANDREW GARFIELD? Actor, charming gentleman, wonderful human being, dancer extraordinaire, your new (and improved) Spider-Man

THE POEM I'D USE TO WOO HIM

Roses are red
Violets are pretty
Is this web on my face
Or are you happy to see me?






Yeah, I like skinny white guys. So sue me.
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Older Blogs

• February 14, 2010: Happy Valentimes!
• February 15, 2009: Saturday the 14th!
• February 11, 2009: Did I mention the drive-thru? (Drive-thru, drive-thru...)
• February 7, 2009: What is this emotion you humans call "wuv"?
• January 18, 2009: Please help

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