D.D.: Red and green wires.
Shane: That's so cliche.
D.D.: Which one should I pull?
Cassie: The red.
Shane: The green.
Cassie: The red.
Shane: The green.
Cassie: Die Hard With a Vengeance, it was the red.
Shane: Blown Away, it was the green.
Cassie: Executive Decision was the red.
Shane: Lethal Weapon 3 was the green!
D.D.: Guys, this isn't a movie.
Cassie: You're right. If it were, we'd have bigger sets.
Shane: You know what I hate?
Cassie: The systemic anger and alienation in today's younger generation?
D.D.: The rapidly increasing national debt and its effect on our health and welfare programs?
Cassie: Those tiny little hairs that grow on your earlobe?
Jack: Hello, ladies.
Cassie: She's right, Jack. You know, we've had enough training. We are ready.
Jack: "Hi, Jack. Nice tie. Say, is that skin rash starting to clear up?"
Cassie: Hi, Jack.
Shane: Nice tie.
D.D.: Is that skin rash starting to clear up?
Jack: How nice of you to ask.
Jack: Spy number one's a local girl made bad, who rebelled against her rich parents, found success as a master thief, and once crippled a man she claims was trying to assault her. Watch out, fellas. More than just a token African-American, she's proficient in Brazilian jujitsu and makes a wonderful peach cobbler. Say hello to Shane!
Jack: Spy number two comes to us from Washington, D.C., where she was indicted on six counts of stealing state secrets from a government database. An expert in computer hacking and foreign languages, she loves volleyball and dancing the rumba. Say hello to D.D.!
Jack: And last but certainly not least, spy number three. Hailing from Aspen, Colorado, this former Phi Delta Gamma earned her three trips to prison by conning millions of dollars from greedy bankers and C.E.O.s. She loves slipping into other personas and walks on the beach. Let's give a big hand to Cassie!
Cassie: Come on, Shane, not every elected official is a skirt-chasing liar who preaches virtues he doesn't live up to. I mean, it's that 99 percent of the politicians that give the others a bad idea.
Shane: I voted for him and wish I hadn't.
D.D.: I voted for him and am glad I did.
Cassie: Didn't vote for him but the lying and cheating made think I should have. Man after my own heart.
Shane: Wait a minute. You voted for that other...?
Cassie: Down, girl. I didn't vote for anyone. Ever.
Cassie: It's not that I don't care the candidates, the issues, and, you know, having my voice heard. It's just... actually, that's exactly what it is.
Jack: The network's about to shoot the first episode.
D.D.: First one's always a cheat. The rest of the series is never as good.
Shane: Yep. That's because they spend all their money on the first one.
Cassie: Put in lots of sex and action so they can fool you into thinking it's going to be like that every week.
D.D.: That is so sleazy.
Shane: I agree.
Shane: Any suspects?
Jack: A few. The Liberation People's Front, the Hammer of God right-wing paramilitary group, the Mallet of God left-wing separatists, the Screaming Banshees of Death--they're actually quite moderate--twenty-four members of the State House, thirty-two members of the State Senate, five Supreme Court justices, disgruntled postmaster general, the National Organization for Women, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Buckley, Billy Baldwin, Natalie Portman, Shannon Elizabeth, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Bailey--don't ask. His high-school homeroom teacher, his college Poli-Sci teacher...
Jimmy Onassis: I don't care what anyone says. Hollywood is a magical place full of magical people, and they deserve all the awards they give themselves.
D.D.: I especially appreciate the way you hung in there when things got tough. You did some of your best work with your back against the wall.
Governor Gary McNamara: Well, thanks very much, D.D. Perhaps some day soon I'll be able to do some of my best work with your back against the wall.
Barry Sharpman: That's interesting. People normally talk to me five, six minutes before they decide not to like me.
Shane: I work in a network so I'm not that patient.
Governor Gary McNamara: Now wait a minute, you're telling me I can't say any of these words.
Shane: That's right, sir.
Governor Gary McNamara: Uh-huh. Well, just take this word here. That's just an earthy little term used to describe a release of methane gas that builds up in the digestive tract. And this, this, why that's just a furry little animal that builds dams. And you mean to tell me that I can't say Richard M. Nixon's first name?
Governor Gary McNamara: Well, look at this. At Christmas time I can't say "Ho ho ho"?
Shane: Well, as long as you don't stop after the first "ho."
Governor Gary McNamara: Wait... wait, wait, wait. This is the last straw. I can do it to my finger. I can do it to a balloon. But I can't call the man who beat me in the election a little...
Shane: No! Absolutely not.
Governor Gary McNamara: That's totally *bleep*
Daphne: Turn off the damn TV.
Scary Daphne: Shut your piehole, ya cow, I'm watching the Osbornes.
Daphne: If I wanted to watch an overweight man with bad hair having acid flashbacks about biting the head off a bat, I'd go back to my first husband. (smashing noise)
Scary Daphne: That's my Nielsen box, you cow!
Shane: I see what you mean.
Cassie: They're scary, Jack.
Suspect #4: Bitter, resentful former V.P. candidate. Especially angry about Justin's breakup with Britney.
Senator Thomas Jefferson Mitchell: And I notice you have me opening for the musical saw.
Governor Gary McNamara: Well, I figured we had to wake up the audience with a little comedy.
Senator Thomas Jefferson Mitchell: I see. Well, maybe you could do your impression of a responsible public official.
Governor Gary McNamara: Well, maybe you could do your impression of rigor mortis. Oh, I see you already are.
D.D.: Gentlemen! This isn't about who has the bigger... axe to grind.
Governor Gary McNamara: But there's a number of people who still think I should be President.
Cassie: There are a number of people who eat other people, doesn't mean I'd put it on the ballot.
Jack: We've got word that there's going to be an attempt on the Governor during the show, and they've already started taping.
D.D.: What do you mean, you "got word"? From where?
Jack: Never mind.
Shane: No, no, really. How do you "get word" on something like that?
Jack: Never mind.
Cassie: And how come you always "get word" part of it? You always know what's going to happen but never who's doing it or how.
Jack: I said never mind. Can we get over there, please?
D.D.: We're just a little confused.
"The Producers wish to apologize for the tasteless nature of this ending. Unless it gets you to watch next week."