Mike: You have to think about these things!
Archie: Why should I have to think about polution? I am use to it!

(Looking at the water bill)
Archie: Will you look at this bill? $16.50! Lucky me, we got the only dumb pollack that showers regularly.

(To Mike)
Archie: I never thought I'd see the day a meathead would have a tax problem.

(To Mike)
Archie: Remember what the Bible says about giving to charity.
Edith: It's better to give than to receive.
Archie: Oh, that's Aesop's Fables.

Edith: With Archie, the rolls are the best part of the roast!
Gloria: Ma, what are you talking about?
Edith: Well, how do you expect him to sop up the gravy!?

(To Edith and Gloria)
Archie: What is all the holloring in here? For a minute I thought I was in the back of a Greek restaurant!

Gloria: Don't you care that me and Ma are practically at each others throats in there?
Archie: Of course I care! I just told you to shut up didn't I?

Archie: That's his fault, he had a chance to do the right thing for this here family, but what the hell does he care?
Gloria: What the hell did you expect him to do?
Archie: How dare you curse in this here house!

(To Gloria)
Archie: That doesn't always work out that way little girl. Look at this here animal kingdom. A gorilla wants his child to be better than him. But look what happens, just another gorilla!

(At the TV)
Edith: Look, there comes Mr. Nixon out of the voting booth, I wonder who he voted for?