Gunter: You are not taking out my teeth, you raspberry-flavored asshole. I killed the last dentist I went to then stole his car. His office still sent me a bill.
Karl: Calm down, Gunter, you’re only making it worse.
Gunter: Worse? How could it get any worse? What’s next? They amputate my penis and replace it with an eggbeater. I could school them while scrambling the eggs.

Braden: I’m using you to fight evil with evil.
Karl: But if you fight evil with evil, evil wins either way. (they glare) Just saying.

Karl: The man you killed had impeccable taste.
Gunter: Only in killers.

Gunter: Ohh… Barry Manilow. Celine Deon. The soundtrack to Xanadu? What did he use music for? To torture the birds outside.
Karl: I like that music. It’s... pleasant.

Gunter: Religious people have many reasons to kill themselves. They are under too much pressure to be good all the time. It is much easier to be rotten. I can do no wrong, as long as I do wrong.

Karl: Gunter, don’t you ever get tired of being so relentlessly evil all the time?
Gunter: Of course. That’s why I take naps.

Gunter: To be sincere, you still need sin.

Johann Tannhauser: I’ve been giving thought to the idea of naming my child. It’s a great responsibility, choosing the right name. If I call him “Zeus”... but that would cause problems of high expectations. Maybe I call him “Awful.” Would cause him problems of low expectations. Maybe I call him “Fire”! That would cause panic whenever someone calls his name. I would like this. But you know, I’m really looking forward to disciplining our child. Because without discipline, how can he ever learn... discipline.

Martine: You don’t even trust the mother of your child?
Johann Tannhauser: : It’s cause I don’t. Do you know how many species there are where the female kills the male after copulating? Scorpions! Black widow spiders! Preying mantises! That’s it. Three. Not that... many.

Johann Tannhauser: I’m going to put a marker chip in your vagina. See when you’re coming and going. (Martine winces) That’s a joke.

Landlady: I’m so happy we made a deal for orgasms in exchange for rent. You’ve paid six months in advance now.

Karl: Gunter, you are in the house of God.
Gunter: I know, but he's not home.

Karl: If you know more than you’re telling us, tell us so we’ll know more than we now know.

Isaiah: What are a few lives lost when it allows you validated parking?

Gunter: The soundtrack to Xanadu?

Xanadu is 1980 movie starring Olivia Newton-John as a Greek muse sent to modern-day Earth to inspire an artist.

Gunter: A hobbit could kick your ass.

Hobbits, or halfling, are fictional characters in the Middle Earth books of J.R.R. Tolkien.