Coach Carol Keady: Upper body strength. It's the key to fitness and dating.
Joan: Before you launch into the embarrassing lecture on the health benefits of garlic, this is my friend Casper and she doesn't care.
Will: (to Casper) Nice to meet you. It is a natural antibiotic.
Casper: It also lowers blood pressure.
Will: I love this kid.
Luke: You've got the world's largest blind spot, you know that? One minute, you discern an oblique pattern that's invisible to mere mortals, the next, you can't even see a conclusive certainty that's staring you in the face.
Will: I have no idea what you just said.
Luke: You always say I get my brain from Mom. That's not true, I get it from you.
Will: Then why didn't I understand what you said?
Coach Carol Keady: (after Friedman gets knocked down with a medicine ball) No lying down, Mr. Friedman.
Luke: Dad, when you get your gun back, will you take me down to the shooting range?
Will: You want to learn how to shoot?
Luke: Ballistics is Applied Physics and...you know...I like blowing stuff up.
Will: Sure. Me too.
Michelle: You're not what I expected.
Kevin: You thought I'd be taller, right.
Joan: Mom's working late again. Can we order pizza?
Will: Already on its way.
Joan, Will and Luke: Extra garlic.
Grace: Look at my butt one more time, Friedman, I dare you!
Friedman: You wish, Marge.
(Glynis throws a ball at Friedman and knocks him over)
Street Guitarist (God): (singing badly) I said yeah...
Joan: (interrupting) That was really humiliating. God should know how to carry a tune.
Street Guitarist (God): (singing off-key) Just a stranger on the bus...
Joan: Grace was right. You do suck.
Pizza Delivery (God): (after delivering Joan a pizza) No tip? I got it here in under thirty minutes.
Joan: Oh, like that's really hard for you?!
Iris: (about Adam) A is so talented.
Joan: A? You're calling him A?
Joan: (to Mascot God) Bite me, big bird.
Grace: Rove and Iris are perfect for each other. They'll probably have a houseful of emotionally damaged babies by senior year.
Joan: Did you know he has a girlfriend?
Joan: (to Grace) A? Isn't that just wrong?
Kevin: (to Rebecca) I felt like a regular 19 year old kid again. I never thought I'd feel like that.
Joan: (to Luke) Give it a rest horn-dog!
Luke: You taught Kevin stuff and he's smart. Basically.
Grace: (about Adam) He's not that into her (Iris). Trust me, he's hot for someone else.
Grace: Your mom. Sorry, dude
Joan: Well, you're also a teacher, and you're a cop. My life would be a lot easier if you were just normal loser parents.
Helen: What happened?
Will: I can't really say.
Joan: How come he can get away with that?
Helen: Because he's confused – you're lying.
Helen: (to Adam) I'm going to keep on pushing you because, let's be honest, that turtle...crap on a stick.
Joan: Casper, Casper, why you buggin', Snow White wants to see you jumpin'.
Joan: One good thing about Mom's new job – neverending junk food.
Grace: Why are we stopping? We should be fleeing in horror. It's bad enough we had to come all the way downtown to the library to research Viking footwear.
Joan: I kinda like this song...
Mascot (God): I asked you to jump. All you've done so far is fall. Go back and jump, Joan.
Joan: Ask Romeo.
Luke: It's a crude attempt at irony. Ask me what?
Joan: If I was a Viking, they'd put me on the flaming raft and send me out to sea.
Grace: You did the history reading!
Joan: That's how desperate I am.
Friedman: (to Casper) Hey, Karen, was it? I just wanted to make sure you knew that if you needed any help finding the girls's locker room, that's something I can--
Grace: This is Friedman. You can step on him, it's allowed.