Sammy: You got here on time. You did the inventory, boxed up the remainders, and now you're unloading stock...What did they do to you at that camp?
Joan: Oh, not much, just drugs, shock treatment.
(Sammy gives her a strange look)
Joan: I'm kidding.
Kevin: I'm crippled. I can't do anything that's gonna make me look even dorkier.
Will: Oh, Tiger Woods, he's dorky.
Joan and Kevin: (obvious tone) Yeah.
Will: Well, think about it. I have to run.
Joan: You are not real.
Little Girl (God): So people keep telling me.
Joan: I can't hear you.
Cute Boy (God): But you can see me.
Joan: I'm ignoring you.
Cute Boy (God): I'm used to that.
Cute Boy (God): Have you read this?
Joan: You stole that!
Cute Boy (God): Well, technically, everything's mine.
Adam: What do you want to know about grout, plaster, or unclogging toilets? And don't get me started on caulk, because that's my passion.
Grace: You've used up all your minutes.
Luke: What am I, a cell phone?
Grace: No, but you are a service provider.
Helen: I didn't know that they let nuns do that.
Lily: Former nun. I left. I was not kicked out. I left.
Miss Lischak: Physics…my little anthropic coincidences...is everything! Particles, matter, antimatter, energy, fission, fusion, neurons, bozons, quarks, neutrinos, antineutrinos, dimensions, determinism, strong force, weak force, relativity, velocity, chaos, order, air, fire, water, love, sex, death, time, space and God!
Lily: You know...the first step of confirmation is not lying to your family. It's pretty much not even a step.
Helen: Why are you repeating everything I say?
Father Mallory: Reruns of West Wing.
Adam: Jane, you can't get all happy about science. It's totally gonna mess up our dynamic.
Little Girl (God): All carbon atoms are the same. As are all protons, electrons, and neutrons. It didn't have to be that way, but it makes the universe beautiful.
Helen: Luke, one breakdown a year is all we can handle. You'll have to wait.
Will: What's wrong?
Helen: Nothing! I'm seeing a nun and a priest!
Cute Boy (God): Crazy is destructive. It tears down. I'm all about building up.
Joan: Then I suggest you take up carpentry.
Joan: I make lamps...
Joan: I just want to be a normal couple again. Do you remember normal?
Adam: Not really.