Muldoon: You'd better see the honorable Freddie Bognor. He's down at the Blue Moose, you can't miss him. He's got one of then shirts that look like a meringue pie after a norther struck it.
Muldoon: Do you play poker?
Bart: My Declaration of Independence.
Muldoon: Tell Freddie I sent ya.
Freddie Bognor: I regret the need to say it, but you're most adept with your hands, Mr.…
Bart: Maverick! Bart Maverick! You're sort of adept yourself.
Freddie Bognor: Oh?
Bart: Like with four card draw.
Freddie Bognor: Oh… you mean three card draw.
Bart: No, four card. Three from the deck and one from your sleeve.
Freddie Bognor: Well, I must say, a patron of the arts?
Bart: All 52.
Bart: No wonder at all, Freddie. The only thing they forgot when they made you was a fuse.
Freddie Bognor: The idea I'm wondering about could be worth $2,000.
Bart: Wonder a little more.
Freddie Bognor: Splendid, come along. Oh, and so there's nothing between us... (hands Bart his wallet back)
Bart: My wallet!
Freddie Bognor: Public school training. Devilish hard habit to break.
Freddie Bognor: What I want, Maverick, is for you to go up to this ranch and impersonate me.
Bart: Impersonate? Well, I don't even have an accent.
Freddie Bognor: Then keep your mouth shut. Take a look at the decent side. Such an outing would be a lark for a chap like you. It might kill me.
(after Beau explains his war medal to reporters)
Bart: What are you doing? Get them back here, deny everything.
Beau: What are you talking about?
Bart: That story, they'll publish it, Pappy reads it, he'll send you back to England for five more years.
Beau: Uncle Beau should know the facts.
Bart: Look, I just quieted him down enough to think about you in simple sentences. Now you do this.
Beau: But I'm innocent.
Bart: You won a medal. That's what Pappy claimed he could never forgive.
Beau: But the bad luck happened right as those Georgia fellas came marching into the tent. I'd, uh, just won a hand, and the general slams down his cards, saying "Son, I give up!" Next thing I knew... (Beau indicates his medal)
Bart: You won it in the line of duty?
Beau: A heart flush.
Bart: Why didn't you tell Pappy this?
Beau: Well, I tried, but he kept ranting on about me being the white sheep of the family.
Beau: (about Freddie) Is that the little weasel?
Bart: Complete with chicken coop.
Beau: Yes, well that poor luck is going to cost you an extra thousand dollars, Mr. Bognor. Added to which, there will be an additional thousand posted as bond, bringing the total you owe for this impersonation to $4,000.
Freddie Bognor: $4,000! Why that's robbery!
Bart: Oh, nonsense. That's enterprise.
Beau: Yes, well, we all look different through the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Herbert: Regard the razor, laddie. I mighta been a proper barber if I coulda stifled a tendency to remove the ears.
Beau: If you'd calm down a little, we might talk business.
Herbert: Like what?
Beau: Well, like how I can get you more money faster.
Molly: You mean from your own father?
Beau: Sentimentality, my dear, never compounded interest.
(Beau explains his "ransom" plan)
Beau: Well, what do you say?
Herbert: I say it's... it's like confrontin' the Devil without takin' the trip.
Marquis of Bognor: America. Astounding. All because of a chap named Columbus and poor navigation.
Marquis of Bognor: You may call me Bognor, Maverick. "Marquis" sounds like someone sitting on an overripe orange.
Marquis of Bognor: Maverick, I'm beginning to believe they slapped the wrong end when you were born.
Bart: Uh, well, couldn't we just set a trap by staying here and depositing the money in the bank? Then the kidnappers would have to come to us.
Marquis of Bognor: Traps? Money? Get it through your head. I've been challenged, man. We go to them.
Bart: It's miserable country around the Inscription Rock area. It's a terrible trip. And besides, your baggage hasn't arrived.
Marquis of Bognor: I have everything I need. I once walked from Kabul to Samarkand, sucking two peach pits. How far is it?
Marquis of Bognor: How far? It's, uh, it's four days!
Marquis of Bognor: Then we'll do it in two - on safari! Come on!
Molly: Oh, sure. Me, a barmaid. I'd show up at the castle and they'd never let me in. Probably throw me in the moat.
Beau: You, uh, could improve yourself. It's been done before.
Molly: I've heard of that, too. (using an upper class British accent) You walk around, straight as an andiron, practicing things like, "The grain in this plain could never grow in Spain."
Beau: You've got it! By Jove, you've got it!
Marquis: (about the Bar-H Ranch) I say, shabby place. Rather run down.
Marquis of Bognor: I say, is this the Bar H?
McGee: It is. Now move!
Marquis of Bognor: Western hospitality!
McGee: You're standing on me foot!
Marquis of Bognor: Oh. I've an idea it's odd to find it on the ground instead of in your mouth.
Marquis of Bognor: Pecos? Brazos?
McGee: They're Texans. Texans are all named after rivers and forts.
Bart: What did I do?
Beau: I couldn't explain in seven centuries.