Pappyism: If you don't git while the gittin's good, you're gonna git got.
Editor's Note: One wonders how many takes it took for Jack Kelly to get this tongue twister right.
Theodora Rush: What can I do for you, Mr. Mayor, honey?
Mayor Oliver: (pointing to campaign poster) In deference to the elected candidate, namely me, it's only common courtesy to dispose of the campaign propaganda of the defeated candidate.
Theodora Rush: Well now, Billy only lost in the election.
Mayor Oliver: Everybody knows he's a common criminal.
Theodora Rush: Oh, not everyone. Well, I voted for him, and I'd vote for him again.
Mayor Oliver: Theo!
Theodora Rush: Well, honey, it's not political, it's only personal.
First Creditor: Hey! What about Maverick for Marshall? I mean, after all, gun handling like his certainly oughta give Billy Coe somethin' to think about.
Mayor Oliver: Mr. Maverick, we'd be honored.
Bart: Thanks, but no thanks, Mr. Mayor. I'm not too familiar with that side of the law.
(after the Marshal is killed playing poker)
Bart: My problem is right here on the poker table. Now, the marshal raised me a hundred dollars and I called with my horse and saddle. Correct? And I have here, three pretty little two's. What does he have?
Mayor Oliver: Uh, just a minute! Heck claimed that pot and died untested. I must assume custody until rightful ownership is legally established.
Bart: We can establish that by merely looking at his cards.
Mayor: Impossible! And speaking of custody, your indebtedness and your lack of any visible means of support suggest vagrancy.
Bart: Mr. Mayor, are you threatening me?
Mayor Oliver: Uh-huh.
Bart: You're prepared to take me into custody too, um?
Mayor Oliver: Uh-huh.
Bart: Unless I take the job of marshal, right?
Mayor Oliver: Ah.
Bart: And if I do accept the job, do I get to see the hand?
Mayor Oliver: Uh-huh. As marshal, it'd be part of your, uh… legitimate investigation.
Billy Coe: Oh, Marshal Maverick, I take it. Specialty's killing kids?
Bart: No, he was a man, Mr. Coe. He murdered Heck Thomas.
Billy Coe: Kind of ungrateful of you, wasn't it? He got you the job.
Bart: I don't like the job. The present is nervous and the future's doubtful and the pay's atrocious. You do me a favor and I'll do one for you in return. You stay out of Abilene for the next six weeks.
Billy Coe: Why six weeks?
Bart: Cause after six weeks, you'll be somebody else's problem. If you come in here again, I'm gonna try to take you and you'll probably try to stop me. One of us is liable to get dead. Could be me, and I think that's too big an investment to put into a six week job.
"Wyatt": Maverick, men like you are few and far between. I won't hear of you retiring. I here now appoint you as my Deputy.
Bart: Now, just a minute, Mr. Earp, you see, I …
"Wyatt": Don't thank me, you deserve the honor.
Bart: Well, supposing I refuse?
"Wyatt": Suppose you try, Mr. Maverick. (rests hand on gun)
Bart: All right, all right. Gimmie back the badge. Now, I know this is a hustle. If we don't protect the lambs, we'll never get a chance to fleece the sheep.
"Wyatt": Now, you're my kinda man, Maverick. I knew you'd look at it that way. I just knew it all … a, oh! … Well, well now, speakin' a sheep. Say, I wonder if you would give me a loan of a … little poker money. Mine hasn't caught up with me yet.
Bart: Uh, Mr. Earp, I… my money got away from me.
"Wyatt": Well, well. What-what-what do we have here?
Bart: Yeah, but you see, that's my $20 gold piece, that's a keepsake and it's last thing…
"Wyatt": $20 gold piece. Well, with my $20, I reckon that we're in business.
Bart: Well now, wait a minute, Mr. Earp, you see, that's my keep…
"Wyatt": We're full partners, my boy.
Bart: Yeah, but I don't wanna be …
"Wyatt": Half the winnings are yours.
Bart: Fast man
Mayor Oliver: Oh, Wyatt! Oh, Mr. Earp. I never saw such a whirlwind, such a man for ducking the sickle of death.
"Wyatt": Well, folks, the real hero of this battle wasn't Wyatt Earp. No sir, it was Bart Maverick here.
Mayor Oliver: 'Pears we owe him another new hat.
Bart: You keep this up, Wyatt, and it'll be a new head.
Archie Walker: In case you're wondering what happened to your Buntline Special, one I borrowed from you, Mr. Earp.
Wyatt Earp: Well, where is it?
Archie Walker: Billy Coe. He ran away with it, sorta.
Wyatt Earp: Somethin' funny about that, Maverick?
Bart: Yea… Well, in a way, Mr. Earp, you see, uh, Billy Coe did steal the gun but he promised to return it. Matter a fact, he's coming back to town at exactly 3 o'clock this afternoon for a stand up shoot-out with, eh … (points to Walker and then the real Earp) … uh, with Wyatt Earp.
Wyatt Earp: Oh. I oughta let him kill you, and then arrest him for your murder.
Archie Walker: Maverick!
Bart: You almost got me twice, I don't even know why I'm feelin' sorry for you.
Bart: Wyatt, I, uh, I know you've faced dozens of men in shoot-outs, and I know you cleaned up Dodge City, but, uh, how?
"Wyatt" Walker: How do ya think--with a broom?
Bart: Yeah, well I think you'd do a little better with a broom than you will with that gun.
Bart: (to Walker) You couldn't hit Billy Coe's grandmother if you aimed at the moon and tripped.
Earp: (to Walker) You try bein' me one more time, I'll put so many holes in you, you won't know where to bleed first.
Archibald Walker: Ya see, as myself, I'm nothing. I'm the epitome of a cipher. The hole in the doughnut.
Theodora Rush: Oh no, Wyatt, you're the most…
Archibald Walker: Wyatt. There. You see? You've forgotten my name already. Right back where I started from--a drop in the bucket, bristle in a shaving brush. I'm leaving town, Miss Theodora.
Theodora Rush: Are you gonna leave me here for Billy Coe?
Doc Holliday: Ah, Bart! Bart! You've always been a friend to me, correct?
Doc Holliday: Well now, there's a young lady, uh, following me on the next stage, name of Cassie Jones…
Bart: Pretty young thing, I'll wager.
Doc Holliday: Oh … yes.
Doc Holliday: A few. You see, I feel at this point I'm just a little bit too young to get married. So, I wonder if you'd indicate to her that I've exited the other side of town.
Bart: I see. Well, anything for a friend.
Doc Holliday: If I ever hear of you going about the country impersonating me again, I shall…
Cassie Jones: Doctor, if he hadn't, you'd have never missed the stage. He brought us together again.
Doc Holliday: That's exactly what I mean…