Jim: Since this is your first time here, can I see some identification, Mr. Twice.
Ralph Twice: Yeah, sure. Here's my driver's license.
Jim: Do you have two major credit cards? Uh, thumb print here please. Now, stand on that line and look directly into the camera. Now look to your left and cough. And again. Now, spread your please. And the other foot. Come and see us any time, Mr. Twice.
| Frank: My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups at neighborhood credit union. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double-killing.
| Frank: Cigarette?
Sally: Yes, I know.
| Sally Decker: Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.
Ed: He's the teller, Frank.
Frank: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally Decker: No, Jim Johnson.
Frank: Who's Jim Fell?
Ed: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally Decker: He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.
Frank: Phil who?
Ed: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.
Sally Decker: Oh, if only Phil had been here.
Frank: Now wait a minute, let me get this straight. Twice came in and shot the teller, and Jim fell.
Sally Decker: No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
Frank: Okay, then, after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.
Sally Decker: No, I only shot twice.
Ed: Twice is the holdup man.
Sally Decker: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
Frank: So now you're changing your story.
Sally Decker: No, I show Twice after Jim fell.
Frank: You shot Twice and Jim Fell?
Sally Decker: Jim fell first, then I shot Twice once.
Frank: Who fired twice?
Sally Decker: Once.
Ed: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
Frank: Okay. Now Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired twice, then Twice shot the teller once.
Sally Decker: Twice.
Frank: Then Jim fell and you fired twice.
Sally Decker: Once.
| Frank: You've been very helpful. We think we knew how he did it.
Sally Decker: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.
Frank: Well. Thank you again, Mrs. Decker. Weeks?
Ed: Saul Weeks. He's the controller, Frank.
| Ted Olsen: So, Billy, when the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher, it forms water droplets. What we call "condensation." Just like on your mother when she gets out of the shower. Glistening with tiny little beads of... oh, hi, Frank. That'll be all for today, Billy. Next week we'll look into some interesting experiments we can do with discarded swimwear.
| Ted Olsen: If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper. Let me show you what we did. These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test-fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters' interviews. As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman. But only up to the point where Barbara asks "Is it difficult to love?" Now, let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from 3', which is the distance Sally claims the shots were fired from. Notice? Complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katherine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.
| Frank: We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier but your husband wasn't dead then.
| Ed: Did he owe money? Doctor bills, gambling debts, Book of the Month club?
Mrs. Twice: Just two more payments on our solar telescope.
| Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph... do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for 14 years?
Frank: No, I can't say that I do... I did, uh, live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years... the usual slurs, rumors, innuendos; people didn't understand... ran him out of town like a common pygmy.
Ed: Did he have any enemies?
Mrs. Twice: Well, the Democrats didn't like him.
Frank: Sure, he was a physical education major, but he had a mind, he could think. He wasn't all muscle, all body, all... sinewy limbs. He got married later, you know, had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.
Ed: I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop-suey?
Mrs. Twice: I know... no, he never did.
Ed: It was just a hunch.
Frank: I told him she was wrong. And that younger boy. Just like his father, football hero. Lived with him for a year. The same. Can't go back.
| Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph. And what about my daughter? What am I going to tell her?
Ed: Yeah, you're going to have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.
Frank: No, wait a minute. How about a big monster came and took him to Daddy Heaven. Nah.
Ed: How about this? He threw himself on a grenade and saved a battalion. Yeah, that's it.
Frank: No, wait a minute. He was killed by a left-wing insurgence from Paraguay. No, Bolivia
Ed: I got it. I got it. He was. he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
| Priest: What do you know about life after death?
Johnny: Wouldn't know anything about it. (Priest slips him some money) You talking existential being or anthropomorphic being?
| Frank: When I got to the elevator, my boss was already on the scene.
| Ed: All right, Sally, you're under arrest. Sergeant, take her away and book her.
Frank: Sgt. Takeaway, Sgt. Booker.
| Ed: Well, that was some pretty police work, Frank. I know you got Sally's record from R&I, but how did you know she handled the loan office heist?
Frank: Just a little hunch back at the office.
Ed: Thought so. I brought that little hunchback with me. Charlie, come out here.
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