Cariago: The problem will be taken care of pretty soon.
Uncle Giuliano: Oh, pretty soon. Is this the same pretty soon you promised a month ago, or is it a different kind of pretty soon?
Napoleon: The usual reason that family gets together is funerals.
Illya: Large ones.
Waverly: How large and for whom is what you'll endeavor to find out.
Napoleon: Well, if there's a burial plot afoot, sir, Ilya and I will uncover it.
Illya: Would you mind keeping me out of your morbid puns?
Ginger LaVeer: I bet you meet so many beautiful girls in your job, you get tired of looking at them.
Illya: (posing as a pool repairman) It takes a few.
Ginger LaVeer: I see you're the strong, silent type.
Illya: I have to concentrate on my job.
Ginger LaVeer: Why? The television repairman didn't have to. Neither did the refrigerator repairman, or the electric toaster repairman. Ooh, or the egg cooker repairman.
Napoleon: (listening in) Egg cooker repairman?
Illya: Egg cooker repairman?
Ginger LaVeer: Yes, Frank. Mr. Cariago eats an awful lot of eggs.
Cariago: Look, you think I don't know about the television repairman? And the refrigerator repairman? And the egg cooker repairman? And we don't even have an egg cooker!
Ginger LaVeer: We have a double boiler. I can't help it if things get broken, Frank.
Cariago: Boy, that's just like UNCLE style. Sending a pool repairman to check up on me. They never did like me.
Sheldon Veblen: Take the cast, for goodness sakes! Take--take the script. Here, wait a minute. You want me to cut out my heart so you can take that, too?
Process Server: No, that won't be necessary. You see, the order specified only negotiable items.
Cariago: How much would it take, uh, to get you back into the black?
Sheldon Veblen: We're shooting in color.
Ginger LaVeer: Oh, Mr. Veblen, I'm so thrilled to be meeting you at last. I've seen every movie you ever made. I saw Gone With the Wind four times.
Sheldon Veblen: Glad you liked it. I was 12 years old when it was made.
Ginger LaVeer: Really? I would never have guessed.
Cariago: You were sent by UNCLE. Angelo, shake hands with mister, uh...
Cariago: Oh, come on. You can use your right name with us. After all, we're all part of the same family.
Napoleon: Well, if you don't mind, I'll keep this one.
Cariago: This is mister, uh...?
Cariago: Boy, they sure do come up with beautiful names, don't they?
Illya: I like it.
Ginger LaVeer: I don't know about Frank, but nobody else knows. Mr. Veblen says those cheap TV outfits have spies everywhere. Isn't it ridiculous? As if a spy would sneak into my dressing room just to peek at his crummy old script.