Major crime boss Don Philip Souza is running his criminal empire and stroking his pet cat when his accountant Sam Steinway reports that business is down because of one man: Sledge Hammer. Sousa puts a million dollar contract out on Sledge and soon hit men are stalking the inspector everywhere he goes. One breaks into his apartment but Sledge inadvertently shoots him during target practice. Another killer’s knife throw is thwarted by Hammer buying the morning paper. The inspector inadvertently spills a poisoned cup of coffee, and two more hit men rub each other out in a cross fire when Hammer drives away at a stop sign...Read the full recap
Sousa: I want this Sledge Hammer for the rest of his life to be dead!
Hammer: Wow. Morning edition is a little thick today, isn’t it, Fred?
Fred: That’s because they’ve gone and made 62 new horoscope signs.
Trunk: I understand you’re a marked man. Word on the street is there’s already been an attempt on your life.
Hammer: Ooh, color me frightened. Did they succeed?
Trunk: I’m send you out of town until this all blows over.
Hammer: Why, Captain, I’m touched. I had no idea you were so unconcerned about my personal safety.
Trunk: I don’t. I’m concerned about my personal safety!
Jacob: I be Jacob, and this be my daughter, Isadora.
Hammer: Well, I’m Inspector Hammer and this be my gun.
Doreau: Sledge, where in the world are you? Captain Trunk thought the worst happened to you.
Hammer: Why’d he think the worst?
Doreau: He said, uh, “optimism.”
Isadora: I’ve never been with a man before. In that way.
Hammer: Neither have I.
Hammer: I thought violence was against your way of life.
Jacob: Hey. This is the ‘80s.
Isadora: Where is it you goeth?
Hammer: I have to make a special delivery. COD. DOA.
Hammer: Don’t confuse me.
Isadora: Will I ever see you again?
Hammer: Only if you make the Ten Most Wanted List. Kind of unlikely.
Jacob: Go with God, Sledge Hammer.
Hammer: Obey the penal codes.
The title, and the episode in general, are a parody of the 1985 movie Witness, starring Harrison Ford as a detective who is forced to take refuge in an Amish community when criminals come after him and the Amish boy he's protecting.