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Kids Today - Recap

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Fowler cheerfully comes into the station with exciting news for the officers: ‘Gasforth has been selected to host the next sub-district regional police conference.’ He is met with blank stares that he mistakes for gobsmacked excitement. Then the begin proposing asking for new equipment, like riot gear and bigger truncheons. The meeting gets carried further from the point when the topic of graffiti arises. Raymond thinks it’s a monstrosity, whereas Habib thinks it’s a new urban art-form. Gladstone then hypothesizes why graffiti exists: fridge magnets. He thinks that the parents glorifying the scribblings of youth leads to them spraying graffiti everywhere in search of the same feelings of praise. Getting back on track, Habib proposes that the first step is a change in the mindset of how the young offenders are viewed. She thinks they’re just bored and believes they need meaning in their lives, which can be brought about by providing ‘real jobs, decent housing . . . [and] long term investment in the urban, social infrastructure.’ Fowler has a better idea: a camping trip.

Upon hearing this Grim is appalled. He doesn’t think that the repeat offenders should in any way be mollycoddled. Fowler goes on to explain that he has no intention of doing so, and that he has decided to sign up with Brigadier Blaster Sump – an eccentric man who once tried to be the first person to reach the South Pole wearing short trousers – for a ‘tough, demanding and ultimately rewarding physical endeavour.’ But Grim still unable to accept it, and proceeds to rant about it. In response, Fowler points to the fact that at least he Is doing something, and tells Grim he has no bottom, infuriating Grim to the point of action. He announces that CID will also make a presentation and show the conference what you do with criminal youth: ‘you nick ‘em, you lock ‘em up, and you throw away the door! . . . I mean the key!’ Fowler just shakes his head.

The, as a sort of transitional scene, we go over to Dawkins who is dealing with an arrogant ass. Moments later, though, we are back to Grim who is well underway executing his plan. In comes Kray and Crockett, dressed as ravers – or more to the point, dressed as they think ravers dress. They’re ready for their undercover operation, including Grim dressed as a van driver. Then Grim tries his hand at some humour – but Kray seems less than amused – and finally on the way out, Kray espouses his solution to the problem of juvenile crime.

Over to the front desk where Goody and Gladstone are having a talk about the upcoming camping trip. Goody starts talking about how chuffed he is about it, which leads to Gladstone confirming that Kevin has no intention of sleeping in the nude, because ‘it would only take,’ as Gladstone puts it, ‘one short-sighted squirrel.’ The mention of animals gets Goody thinking . . . he wishes there were dangerous animals about so that he could save Maggie from one, resulting – in his mind – in her falling in love with him. Gladstone suggests spiders, but Goody is too frightened of them himself to make that work.

Speaking of Maggie, she brings Fowler some more reports on juvenile offenders, mostly drug and alcohol related, causing Raymond to lament and wonder why the innocent times of the past cannot be found again.

Finally it’s time for Grim and the gang to infiltrate the rave, and he sends Kray and Crockett to try and gain admittance, but the guy at the door just tells them, ‘Bog off, copper!’ Looks like they weren’t so convincing undercover after all.

Back at the station, Maggie is bringing in a box and she tells Dawkins it was left by the trash. Patricia says it might be a bomb, but on closer inspection she sees it’s a baby! Pat takes to the baby instantly. While everyone is seeing to it, Raymond comes and takes Habib away. There is a disturbance at a Right-wing meeting and he needs her help, but she’s unsure because she’s Asian. Yet, Fowler insists that police have only one colour: blue.

Seconds later we see the teenage skinheads being brought to the holding cells, and one insults Habib, infuriating Goody who then decks him. Habib says he shouldn’t have, but at the same time thanked him.

The baby is now gone, but Patricia misses him already. Kray – the chauvinist – starts talking about how in ten years women will no longer be on the police force. Maggie, of course, rejects the notion that all women want babies, and turns to Patricia as proof, only she turns out to be not such good evidence after all. In the middle of that, Fowler comes out of his office and sternly summons Habib and Goody to his office immediately.

It’s in regards to punching the skinhead. Maggie interjects that he was just defending her, but Raymond fails to see how a handcuffed minor posed any kind of threat. Goody replies that he was using racist abuse, but Fowler again isn’t hearing any of it. Although Goody apologises, it’s far too late for that since the boy’s mother is pressing charges.

The next scene is the police troop – including Maggie, Frank, Goody, and Fowler – assembling to leave for their camping excursion. Grim comes in and instantly starts making jokes at their expense. Fowler invites Grim to join them, but Grim says he’ll be too busy nicking some criminals, at which point we immediately cut to Grim pulling up to the squat they were trying to infiltrate earlier, in order to nab some youths, but the neighbour tells him that some police already dropped by earlier and took them camping. Grim is outraged that Fowler has nicked his villains.

Over where Fowler is, they’ve just arrived and Bridadier Blaster Sump quickly gives them a run down on what they will be facing, and at that time Fowler informs him that they will be going alone, without his help, to which he takes momentary exception, then chases everyone out the door by lifting his kilt.

Around the campfire, it’s as boring as watching paint dry, and so Raymond decides to turn in for the evening; but just then Habib rushes to tell him that Natalie – one of the youths – has disappeared. Since it’s dark, and therefore highly dangerous, they set off in search of her. When she is found she blames Baz for making her give up her baby, the one from the police station. When Baz explains what had happened – dumping the baby – his complete apathy makes Raymond wind up to slap him . . . but he refrains from doing so, with a knowing Goody looking on. Raymond calms down and says they should turn in, and adds he hopes they have all learned something from it. When they wake up in the morning, however, the campsite is barren apart from the four officers.

Later at the station, Fowler and Habib are still arguing about the case before Goody, but it’s settled, and the boy’s mother comes in with him to talk to Raymond about the case. When he asks him what happen, he replies that he isn’t going to talk to the police, and at that point his mother unleashes a fury of slaps, beating the boy around the head. Fowler then reminds her of a law prohibiting abusing minors and threatens to charge her unless . . . she drops the case against Goody. Furthermore, he hopes that Kevin can tell his story at the conference, but – in typical ‘Goody’ fashion – he has no idea what story.

Finally we are at Fowler and Dawkins’ home: he painting a model, and she just home from the shops. She happened to purchase a pair of baby socks, and Raymond is not too impressed with that. He doesn’t want a baby and makes it a little too clear. So clear, in fact, that Patricia slaps him across the face with a huge half of a halibut: and he’s out for the count!