In times of relationship stress or dry spells of single girl solitude, there is one man I lean on to get me through whatever mundane daily drama ails me: My TV Boyfriend. Why waste my precious time trying to decipher Mister Right Now’s latest round of disappointing text messages when I have a standing weekly date with My TV Boyfriend that offers me romance, action, and just enough suspense to keep me coming back for more? I am officially cheating on my real life Romeos with My TV Boyfriend, and I just can’t quit him.
Each month I plan to date—and write about—a new TV Boyfriend. My TV Boyfriend this month is the dashing, worldly, and scorching hot vampire of The CW’s ‘The Originals,’ Elijah. Elijah first captured my heart when he appeared on the scene of ‘The Vampire Diaries,’ shrouded in mystery, speaking softly and carrying a big stick used to keep his brother Klaus, enfant terrible on steroids, in line.
When deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship with a guy, TV or otherwise, I must evaluate the qualities my dates bring to the table. Elijah clearly has a lot to offer.
My TV Boyfriend is immortal.
By definition, the man has been alive (if you count the blood sucking years) since the dawn of time, and yet he barely looks 30. He offers all the wisdom of age without any of the pesky side effects, like dentures and dementia. With age comes tolerance and perspective. As a result, there is nothing I could throw at Elijah that would shock him. PMS, bad haircuts, and the annual Christmas dinner with my extended family just wouldn’t faze him the way it would the average human Joe. When I book our first couples vacation in Rome, who better to guide me than the guy who will not only take me to the best hotels and restaurants but will give me an insider’s historical tour no ‘Frommer’s Guide’ could ever beat? We would win couple’s trivia game night, thanks to My TV Boyfriend’s millennia of first hand knowledge. Who needs Google when you have an immortal TV Boyfriend?
In a sea of carbon copies, My TV Boyfriend is an Original. Literally.
Elijah is a member of the world’s first vampire family, the Originals. The Originals are stronger and faster than all other vampires and they can’t be killed like regular vampires. This means I don’t have to waste my tears worrying about heart disease, texting and driving, or prostrate cancer. And with Elijah by my side, I never have to worry about walking through a “bad neighborhood” late at night ever again.
Everyone is crazy about a sharp dressed TV Boyfriend.
Elijah is the definition of timeless elegance. Even in a fight to the death with an enraged group of enemy werewolves, My TV Boyfriend walks away unscathed, tidy even. Wearing his 50-shades-of-everything sexy Armani suits, he makes James Bond look like a hapless punk. I can take My TV Boyfriend anywhere, and he will own that room faster than Tyra can say “fierce.”
My TV Boyfriend redefines high fidelity.
Keeping promises is sexy. What girl doesn’t want to hear that she has the undying (my first vampire pun!) devotion of an invincible immortal? While he could easily take advantage of his immortal vampire status by plotting world domination, My TV Boyfriend spends his time honoring his promises. Despite the fact that it creeps me out when he appears and disappears faster than I can say “Hi TV Boyfriend,” Elijah shows up when he says he will show up (on time and perfectly dressed for each occasion no less). This means no cancelled dates ending in crying jags and chocolate binges. I don’t have to agonize for hours wondering if I can count on My TV Boyfriend to exchange a night of “Sons of Anarchy” for standing by my side as I face down the mean girls at my high school reunion. Yes, his survival depends on drinking blood (so gross) but I am blinded by the appeal of a man who knows the power of the follow-through.
TV Boyfriend with family values = marriage material.
There are the boys who give lip service to family values, and then there are the men that stand by their family — even when your brother is trying to kill you, and your sister is sleeping with the enemy. Every action My TV Boyfriend makes is a strategic move to protect and serve his family, regardless of their centuries old baggage. This means I don’t have to dream up ways to delay the inevitable meet-the-parents dinner. I don’t have to shield him from my family’s special brand of crazy. His family makes my clan look like ‘The Brady Bunch.’
Also, My TV Boyfriend takes acceptance and unconditional love to a Gandhi-like level. His little brother tries to kill him at least once a week, and yet Elijah stands by him, praying for his redemption, which stands to reason that I don’t have to be afraid of showing him my dark side. Mood swings, speed demon driving, and OCD-like dish washing habits look like child’s play next to daily death threats and territory wars.
Alas, My TV Boyfriend Elijah has his hands full right now trying to save his family and the fate of vampires and werewolves everywhere. I know I will eventually have to move on to someone who has more time to invest in a relationship. Nonetheless, my love for Elijah will live forever (sorry, vampire puns are just too easy).
Coming soon: My Next TV Boyfriend!