Have you ever watched a television episode and thought, "Hmm, what would it be like to date this character?" Well, you are in luck. I have compiled a list of the five men and five women you should flat out reject on OkCupid. At first glance, some of these characters are intriguing and compelling.
Key phrase: AT FIRST GLANCE.
The most telling section on the OkCupid profile is the list of the five things you could not live without. "Oh, look how clever he is! He can't live without air or water," said no woman ever on OkCupid.
A word of warning for this list: If any of these characters resembles someone who has messaged you on OkCupid, this is what you need to do.
1. Do not respond.
2. Walk to your closest television.
3. Watch at least 10 reruns with this character.
OK. The Top 5 Men:
5. Ross Eustace Geller, Ph.D. (pre-having his baby) on 'Friends'
He's been married three times, and divorced three times. He could not live without karate, rather, "ka-ra-tay," or paleontology. He is on the lookout for a smoking hot paleontologist. If the only thing you know about dinosaurs is that they are extinct, skip over his profile.
4. Paul on 'The Wonder Years'
Paul is going to upload a picture of him and Kevin on OkCupid. He will fail to mention that he is the tall and awkward one. People will message him left and right until they realize he is not Kevin Arnold. Sorry, Paul. You have made the list.
3. McGee on 'NCIS'
Just kidding! He is a palette cleanser on this plate of junk food. Everyone wants to date someone as sweet as McGee. You can give him five stars on OkCupid.
Next up: The real 3.
3. AC Slater from 'Saved by the Bell'
His profile picture may fool you. Those dimples. Oh, those dimples. A secret rule of OkCupid, reject the most attractive men. They are not real. AC Slater already has a girlfriend. The guy using AC Slater’s picture on OkCupid is a creep who won’t leave his mother’s basement.
2. Barney Stinson on 'How I Met Your Mother'
Head over heels? No way. How about head over disgust? A womanizer is always going to be a womanizer. Barney is the ultimate Bro on television today. Quoting Barney directly pains me as much as watching reruns of 'Bridalplasty:'
"Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession."
"Article 24: When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped."
1. Dwight Schrute on 'The Office'
Beets! He can't live without beets! Dwight seems like the type of guy who would talk about himself in third person on his OkCupid profile. Dwight is faster than 80 percent of all snakes. He has watched animals have sex in all different ways, since he grew up on a farm. Chicken on goat. Goat on chicken. Dwight’s feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man. Keyword, "normal man." You really want to date a normal man.
Now, the ladies:
5. Karen on 'Will and Grace'
Five things she couldn’t live without:
4. Jenna Marshall on 'Pretty Little Liars'
This woman holds grudges. She has gone through some major trauma, so she gets some empathy points. However, if you are sleeping with her, sleep with one eye open. After all, she is fascinated by the play, "The Bad Seed," and the nature of evil.
3. Clarissa on 'Clarissa Explains It All'
She is a bit drama oriented. She will write on her profile that she is 18 years old. However, anyone who leaves the family dinner table with the line, "May I be excused to freak out?" is probably 12. Lesson: Look for the clues. If she says she’s 18, but calls her brother, "Ferg-Face." She’s 12.
2. Nancy Botwin on 'Weeds'
She’s not going to come out and say she’s a flawed mother, and a drug dealer. That is why OkCupid is so sneaky. She’s going to look really great on the surface. You will date her and rock yourself to sleep after the date.
Don’t date women who look normal on OkCupid.
1. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett on 'Orange Is the New Black'
Unlike the rest, she will not hide her true colors from OkCupid. She will mention that Jesus will save you, she can heal you, and that she is in prison. This girl will be as transparent as holy water. That doesn’t mean you should date her, though.
Unless you need to be saved.