The Doctor: You are a time-space machine! You're a vehicle! I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers!

The Doctor: I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you.
Nardole: A piano?
The Doctor: It's been a long day.

Professor River Song: You don't look much like your pictures.
The Doctor: That's an ongoing problem for me.

Professor River Song: Don't use my name. Ever. How do you know me?
The Doctor: Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.

The Doctor: He's a lying-down person. I don't like lying-down people. It's so untidy.

Nardole: Why d'you keep crossing them?
The Doctor: Because they cross, I've got cross arms.

Professor River Song: You are in the presence of his Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax. You will bow.
The Doctor: Oh, no, I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that.
Professor River Song: You what?
The Doctor: It's my back.
Professor River Song: Your back?
The Doctor: Yeah, my back's playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.

Hydroflax: Can you save me, Surgeon?
The Doctor: Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you.
Professor River Song: There's something in his brain.
The Doctor: You could have fooled me. Oh, sorry. Sorry, just gallows humor. Probably the wrong word.
Nardole: Yeah, I would say it is.

Professor River Song: I'm an archaeologist.
The Doctor: Slash murderer slash thief.
Professor River Song: An archaeologist is just a thief. With patience. Never had much of that.

Professor River Song: What's that face? Are you... thinking? Stop it, you're a man, it looks weird.

Hydroflax: I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt. I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.
Professor River Song: How dare you! I'm your wife.
Hydroflax: You planned to murder me!
Professor River Song: Don't change the subject.

The Doctor: We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!
Hydroflax: I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!
The Doctor: I can't approve of any of this, but I haven't laughed in a long time.

(pretending to see the TARDIS interior for the first time)
The Doctor: Oh... my... God! It's bigger!
Professor River Song: Well, yes.
The Doctor: On the inside!
Professor River Song: We need to concentrate.
The Doctor: Than it is!
Professor River Song: I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down.
The Doctor: On the outside!
Professor River Song: You've certainly grasped the essentials.
The Doctor: My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed... forever. Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.

Professor River Song: Does sarcasm help?
The Doctor: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?

The Doctor: So, why haven't you threatened this before?
Hydroflax: A king does not endanger his people for no reason.
The Doctor: You're endangering them now.
Hydroflax: I'm cross.

Professor River Song: Flemming! How are the twins?
Flemming: Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking.
Professor River Song: I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony.
Flemming: Oh, there were tears. And just a hint of screaming.

Flemming: My information is correct. You are the woman who loves the Doctor.
Professor River Song: Yes, I am. I've never denied it. But whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor, he doesn't go around falling in love with people. And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary, then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with.
Flemming: Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait. When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come.
Professor River Song: Oh, you are a moron. No, he won't.
Flemming: He's probably already here.
Professor River Song: No, he isn't, of course he isn't!
Flemming: Possibly on this ship.
Professor River Song: Well, go on, scan it then. Go on, why don't you?
The Doctor: River...
Professor River Song: Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him.
The Doctor: River!
Professor River Song: Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here. God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me! And I'm just fine with that. The Doctor: River... River: When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!
The Doctor: Hello, sweetie.
Professor River Song: You are so doing those roots.
The Doctor: What, the roots of the sunset?

The Doctor: What do you think, by the way?
Professor River Song: Of what?
The Doctor: My new body.
Professor River Song: I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.

The Doctor: Get back in the TARDIS! This is my job!
Professor River Song: This is my job!
The Doctor: I've been doing it longer.
Professor River Song: I do it better.

The Doctor: So, King Hydroflax?
Professor River Song: Oh! How many times? I married the diamond!
The Doctor: So you say.
Professor River Song: Elizabeth The First.
The Doctor: Ramone.
Professor River Song: Marilyn Monroe.
The Doctor: Stephen Fry.
Professor River Song: Cleopatra!!
The Doctor: Same thing!

The Doctor: You look, er, amazing.
Professor River Song: Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not.
The Doctor: Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?
Professor River Song: Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.

Professor River Song: ecause I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way round it.
The Doctor: Not everything can be avoided. Not forever.
Professor River Song: But you're you. There's always a loophole, you wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me.
The Doctor: Every night is the last night for something, every Christmas is the last Christmas...
Professor River Song: But you will. You'll wait until I've given up hope, all will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day--you always do.
The Doctor: No, I don't, not always. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.
Professor River Song: No, Doctor... you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time... a little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?
The Doctor: Mmm. What do you think of the towers?
Professor River Song: I love them.
The Doctor: Then why are you ignoring them?
Professor River Song: They're ignoring me. But then... you can't expect a monolith to love you back.
The Doctor: No, you can't. They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and... time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect... when you least expect it... but always... when you need it the most... there is a song.

The Doctor: Rest now, sweet prince.

The Doctor quotes from Hamlet, Act 5, Scene 2, Page 17.